Late-night bull sessions create compassion fatigue

Dear Harriette: I have a friend who calls me almost every night. She calls late — like midnight or later — because she lives in a different time zone. She feels she needs me to help her deal with whatever is going on in her life. And I kind of like that. But it’s getting to be too much. I got up late today because I had been on the phone with her for three hours, basically listening to one story after another. And we were up until 3 a.m. When I woke up, I quickly prepared for work — but I arrived late. My boss was mad because I missed an important meeting. I messed up, and I need to handle my business better. Can you help me figure it out? — Deb, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Deb: You need to put yourself first. Just because your friend needs you at any time of day or night doesn’t mean you always have to be present. Take charge of your life and your relationships. Let your friend know there’s a cutoff. If she wants to be in active communication, the two of you need to establish phone dates — specific times that work for both of you. You will likely expand your availability if there is a crisis, but I would recommend that, even during those times, you refer to your personal and professional schedule first before agreeing. Your friend is important, but she is not paying your bills. Your responsibility is to figure out how to live your life, being responsible for every facet of it. Remember that your work life is important, too.

Dear Harriette: I messed up. I had a fight with my husband and told my sister about it while we were staying in her house. She was mad, and they had words and now it’s a huge mess. My sister is holding a grudge against my husband that I no longer hold. I feel as if I have created a disastrous situation. How can I climb out of this? I want to be connected to my husband and my sister without either of them feeling they can dip into the other’s personal stuff more than any average family member might. Ideas? — Pat, Raleigh, N.C.

Dear Pat: When we get married and take that oath, we are reminded that in marriage, after God, we are to put each other first. This requires a conscious choice on the part of both partners, one that should be refreshed daily. When you do that, you feel connected always.

When couples include others in their emotional challenges, a mess often ensues. This happened to you. I recommend that you talk to your husband and work out your point of contention first. Then talk to your sister and explain how you work through issues and that you appreciate her effort but that you need her discretion.