Time to focus on the future

Dear Harriette: I recently ran into a man who went to college with me. He was very nice years ago and pretty much the same the other evening. As we talked about days gone by, he shared his memories of me in vivid detail. I had no idea he had paid so much attention to me when we were in school. His memories were very nice, which I appreciated. But then he wanted me to do the same, to tell him what my impression was of him some 25 years ago. Honestly, I don’t have that many memories. I recall him as a nice guy, but we weren’t in the same circles ever, as far I remember anyway. He had said such glowing things about me that I began to feel bad that I really didn’t have much to say at all. What do you do in a situation like that? — Terry, Brooklyn, N.Y.

Dear Terry: What you do is kindly tell the truth, that you remember him as a nice guy and then step back into the present. The trip down memory lane was his journey. You may have been pleasantly surprised by the detail in his recollections. That’s fine. And it’s perfectly fine for you to express your gratitude for his remembering you in kind ways. But don’t get caught up in the memory game. Everyone has different memories, different moments that leave impressions on them from the distant and recent past. Let the past remain where it is.

Move forward. I hope you inquired about what the man is doing now, what his life is like. Paying attention to him is what he was interested in. Engaging him in thoughtful conversation was fulfilling, or so it sounds.

In these situations, claim the here and now as a guidepost. This is where you are. And, by the way, in so doing you don’t need to feel obligated to bring that person into your future. Just enjoy the moment.

Dear Harriette: My best friend is in love with me. I am freaked out. I have been friends with her for 15 years, and now she tells me she wants to be my lover. Really? I experimented with women long ago, but I’m pretty sure that I like men. Plus, I don’t want to get into a situation where I might lose my friend. Know what I mean? By the way, we are both girls. — Anna, Atlanta, Ga.

Dear Anna: Be careful and thoughtful as you move forward. Your best friend likely has been thinking about revealing her feelings for years, so she is extra-sensitive to your reaction. No matter what, be kind to this woman whom you love as a dear friend and whom you want to be happy. Tell her that you love her as your friend but are uninterested as her lover. Be crystal clear, and stick to it. She has to spend time away from you before jumping on board your friend train. Give her space.