Father of bride anxious over impending speech
My buddy Don came in hurting. I could tell. We have been lifelong friends and a guy can read a friend after decades of companionship.
Although my wife and a female bartender were lecturing me at the moment, I felt the need to turn away and inquire into his obvious pain.
“What’s the matter?”
“It’s bad,” was all he said.
“Death in the family?”
“Yes. Probably mine.”
“Something the doctor told you?”
“No.”
“A lawyer?”
“No. My daughter.”
“Your daughter? But I thought she was getting married and happy about life?”
“For now?”
“Why temporary?”
“She told me that I am giving the ‘father-of-the-bride speech’ at her wedding reception.”
Ah. We both have adult daughters. So I knew this could be bad. Real bad. His dread was well justified. This could go so wrong.
Public speech is intimidating to those of us who are unaccustomed. Especially speaking to a large group whom you do not want to offend.
And there are special considerations in Don’s case.
His prospective in-laws are wealthy. Don never rode on a yacht while growing up in Deer Park. Now he has. He gets front-row seats at Gonzaga home games. Spends weeks at ski lodges. All these opportunities handed to him by his future son-in-law’s family. They are extremely generous people who have a lot to be generous with.
So much could be riding on this speech. Don could go from honored yacht guest to cabin boy by using a couple of ill-chosen phrases.
Let me admit that I, myself, have been the beneficiary of the “trickle-down theory.” Don has allowed me to accompany him to some of those GU basketball games and be seated down front where I, a Hillyard boy, do not belong. We need to make this speech work.
My wife and the female bartender started listing (and I mean writing out a list, both sides of pages on a legal-size pad) the items they supposed Don should include in his speech.
“How long are you supposed to speak?” the female helper bees asked.
Don answered that the initial time requirement was 10 minutes but after he flopped to the ground and sobbed like a baby, his daughter reduced his speech to 5 minutes. Pretty much eternity in my book.
Don and his daughter’s mother are long divorced, so he has no one to instruct him as do those of us who enjoy holy matrimony and benefit of a spouse’s firm direction.
The two self-appointed speech counselors gave Don lots of wonderful feminine advice. In no way would I ever suppose to overrule my wife or my bartender. My reverence for the wisdom of those two great female thinkers cannot be overstated. However, I would like to add some suggestions to Don regarding the upcoming event and speech. A male perspective may help him maintain a shred of dignity throughout the wedding day. These tips may seem elementary to most men.
Tips on giving a father-of-the-bride speech
1. If you have not been introduced, admit who you are in your opening statement. Welcome the guests.
2. Do not cry. When crying, your voice pitch will rise with each consecutive word until you sound like a squeaky 5-year-old boy who has lost his mother in the department store. Breathe deep, but do not breathe so hard that you blow stuff out of your nose. It would be better that you cry. Tears are preferable to mucus.
3. Tell your daughter how proud of her you are. Talk about her character, personality, hobbies, passions and achievements. Leave out her insufferable personality in junior high school.
4. Do not dwell on the past during your father-of-the bride speech. Do not to bring up old stuff (“I hope you will be happier than your mother and I were” is a bad idea). Speak of future happiness.
5. Say something kind about your new in-laws. Specifically mention your gratitude at receiving two tickets to various GU home games.
6. Do not bring one of your “hat-check” girls to the wedding.
7. Share with everyone how you were introduced to the groom and how you have gotten to know him really well. Include some funny stories about him. No, skip that; you’ll screw it up, cabin boy.
8. Do not include any remarks extending sympathy to your ex-wife’s new husband.
9. Thank the mother of the bride for her work organizing the wedding and supporting your daughter. Thank the bridesmaids for supporting your daughter and mention how beautiful they all look without making any references to specific body parts.
10. End the father-of-the-bride speech with a toast to the bridal couple. Toast their future happiness, success and good health. End the toast with a grateful reference at having received the prime Gonzaga basketball tickets. And that you and a dear friend are available to travel to postseason games.
Constant prayer may be useful in the days before the wedding. It is not weakness to pray that your daughter (and her mother) will withdraw your invitation to speak after some sensible reflection and reasoned consideration.