Clark: New year promises plenty of tears over spilled soy milk

Put down your snow shovels a moment and prepare to be blown away.

It’s time again for Clarnak the Magnanimous to deliver his guaranteed* predictions for the coming New Year.

(*Not valid in any state containing a vowel. )

Clarnak doesn’t want to sound smug. But his prognostications are often so devastatingly spot-on that they sometimes move his followers to praise him in public.

Take, for example, the following excerpt from an actual testimonial that appeared on our letters page under the headline: “Get a keeper for columnist.”

“… Prediction 14 suggests there will be another escape at the fair. The manhunt 2010 ‘will focus on a carnie suspected of committing indecent liberties with the winning giant pumpkin.’ The only giant pumpkin here is the one resting on Mr. Clar(na)k’s shoulders and the filling apparently has been carved out.”

Clarnak tips his bejeweled turban to such heady adoration. And now …

Prediction 1 – On the night of Jan. 6 in Frisco, Texas, a pack of rabid Eastern Washington University fans will sneak into Pizza Hut Park and spray paint the gridiron bright red.

Prediction 2 – The Eagles, feeling as if they are playing back in Cheney on scarlet Roos Field, will clobber the Delaware Blue Hens 35-14 to capture the national championship on Jan. 7.

Prediction 3 – Hoping to avoid last year’s spate of officer-involved shootings, Spokane Police Chief Anne Kirkpatrick will order each law enforcer to carry a lucky rabbit’s foot instead of a Glock sidearm.

Prediction 4 – Impressed by budget concessions made by the Spokane Police Guild and other city unions, the East Sprague Hookers Association will announce a “price freeze on all in-car quickies” for 2011.

Prediction 5 – A riot over a shortage of organic soy milk will spoil the grand opening of Spokane’s new Trader Joe’s store on the South Hill. No serious injuries will be reported, but several customers will complain of bruises from being clubbed by gluten-free baguettes.

Prediction 6 – Spokane City Council President Joe Shogan will hire an image consultant in an attempt to reverse his reputation as a salty, cantankerous hothead.

Prediction 7 – Spokane County Sheriff Ozzie Knezovich will fill his departmental spokesman job with a Magic 8-Ball. Members of the media who have had to deal with Dave Reagan, the now-transferred former spokesman, will hail the 8-Ball as “a giant improvement in both clarity and cooperation.”

Prediction 8 – Three weeks into a personality makeover, Shogan will fire his image consultant, calling his ousted helper an (“$#%$!)-up busybody who doesn’t know (^$#%$) from shoe polish!”

Prediction 9 – Executives from the Avista power company will offer a new energy-assistance package to low-income families. The package will contain two dry sticks and instructions on how to make fire.

Prediction 10 – An Internet rebel who calls himself SpokiLeaks will shock the Spokane area by releasing sensitive documents that reveal secrets like: The north-south freeway project is a hoax; Bing Crosby was a Presbyterian; and Spokane water has actually been fluoridated since 1956.

Prediction 11 – On his first day in office, newly elected Spokane County Commissioner Al French will passionately ask fellow commissioners Todd Mielke and Mark Richard to sell Spokane Raceway Park and to, please, start treating the taxpayers’ money in a more respectful manner. After a stunned second or two, French will then yell “Gotcha!” And the tittering sound of all three Republicans laughing like hyenas will reverberate down the courthouse halls.

Prediction 12 – Spokane’s old “stage one, stage two …” system for labeling snow emergencies will be discarded. In 2011, winter storm severity will be graded by the following three levels: “Man, This Sucks!” “Holy Crap!!” And “Oh, MY Gawd, We’re All Gonna DIE!!!”