Special for Election Day, a ballot worth casting
Today is Election Day.
Big whoop.
Sorry. I’m not feeling the ballot fever this year.
Oh, there are a few items of interest. But this has mostly been one of those humdrum off-year elections, littered with lame political retreads.
Not just Dennis Hession, either.
We’ve got the liquor-privatization squabble again. The Community Bill of Rights boobs have returned.
And look, there’s Tim Eyman trying to make us all nuts again.
Think that’s sad?
Somebody told me Ron Edinger was running again for Coeur d’Alene City Council.
That can’t be true.
The guy’s gotta be, what – 112?
Wouldn’t it be great if we citizens got to vote on some new and exciting measures that would actually make a difference in our lives?
That time is today, my friends.
Those wild and crazy party animals at the Spokane County Auditor’s Office have allowed me to hold my own special election.
Simply use a crayon to fill in the ( ) that appears to the right of your choice on the measures below.
Finish voting. Then cram today’s column inside the yellow “security envelope” along with your official ballot.
What? You’ve already wasted time voting?
Mail today’s column to Auditor Vicky M. Dalton at the Spokane County Courthouse so she can include it with all the other elections results.
Let the democracy roll.
Initiative 12/25
This measure makes it a felony for any Spokane-area wholesale outlet, retail store or porn shop to sell Christmas-related items such as tree ornaments, house lights, nativity scenes or red-and-green ball gags prior to the day AFTER Thanksgiving.
Violators should be …
• Fined – ( )
• Hung from the ceiling like mistletoe – ( )
• Sentenced to 30 days of listening nonstop to “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” – ( )
Proposition 99016
This measure would disincorporate Washington’s so-called 10th-largest city because Spokane Valley was …
• An expensive mistake – ( )
• The result of proponents huffing paint thinner – ( )
• I like Spokane Valley. It’s a lovely place to raise kids and buy affordable meth – ( )
Wazzu lack of Initiative
Thumped 30-7 by the Golden Bears last weekend, the Washington State University Cougars now gather mold at the bottom of the Pac-12 North.
Paul Wulff should be fired for being to football coaching as …
• Kim Kardashian is to marriage vows – ( )
• The Texas Rangers are to closing a World Series – ( )
• Conrad Murray is to home health care – ( )
Winter Weathercaster Leave Act
This measure provides free Prozac and a mandatory 10-day “chill out” in a psychiatric care facility to any local TV weather personality who …
• Utters the words “white stuff” – ( )
• Drools while reporting on an I-90 pileup – ( )
• Finds Doppler radar images sexually stimulating – ( )
Proposition None
This amendment to the Spokane City Charter would bar any group of overzealous busybodies from trying to amend the Spokane City Charter into being more enlightened.
Spokane needs a Community Bill of Rights like it needs …
• Same-sex marriage rights for marmots – ( )
• Union representation for foliage – ( )
• A marijuana-free zone in the Spokane Council Chambers – ( )
Prevaricating Politicians Ordinance
All politicians lie whenever they open their mouths.
This law, however, would limit the number of flagrant character and campaign-wrecking falsehoods a candidate could inflict on an opponent to …
• Three charges of cannibalism – ( )
• Two charges of necrophilia – ( )
• One charge of raising our water rates – ( )
SP-Decency Proposition
Fifty-some Spokane police officers showed incredible insensitivity last Friday when they gave a heel-clicking salute of support to convicted cop Karl Thompson in a federal courtroom.
These disruptive cops should be punished by …
• Turning in their badges – ( )
• Turning in their firearms – ( )
• Turning in their jackboots – ( )