Vocal Point: Thanksgiving tofu meal boosts gratitude for meat

My daughter Catrina,

having turned vegetarian, suggested we serve “Tofurky” for Thanksgiving last year. Now, for those of you who think PETA is a Middle Eastern form of unleavened bread, Tofurky is a turkey substitute made from tofu. If you don’t know what tofu is, you have either never set foot inside California, or off planet Earth.

(Close your eyes … and you will feel the tofu!)

So, I went to my local Wild Oats market to do my Thanksgiving shopping. I should have known right away that I wasn’t among my kind of people. Anyone who thinks grain is exciting has probably spent too much time smoking funny pipes.

Instead of heavy plastic, I found the Tofurky packaged in an “Earth-Friendly, Dioxin free box.” It had a great picture of the contents on the front, looking quite similar to the real thing. The box contained a “Specially seasoned, Stuffed Tofu roast; four hearty ‘Tempeh’ drumettes; New Tofurky Giblet gravy; and New Tofurky Jerky wishstixs.”

Now, these jerky wishstixs were not the same as your traditional wishbones. With wishbones, you get face-to-face, and make a wish. After pulling slightly, you hear the tiny sharp crack of your wish coming true. With wishstixs, you get face-to-face, wish they didn’t look like something from the pet food aisle, and after pulling till you’re at opposite ends of the dining room, they sort of come apart. We took heart though, as the biodegradable print on the package reminded us, “Everyone has won because no animal was sacrificed in the making of this product.”

Again, in its portrait on the face of the box, the Tofu Roast had the appearance of a roasted breast of turkey, with a rich golden brown skin. Upon opening the box in my kitchen, it looked like it had never seen the light of day, and its texture resembled a mass of curd that had settled in the toe of an old gym sock.

But, being borderline adventurous as a rule, we decided to cook and eat as planned anyway. Obviously, I was spared the job of deboning, and it cooked up in short order. And, apart from being a bit bouncy on the cutting board, it carved quite easily.

However, as for the flavor, I won’t say it was bland. But, I found myself wondering what Tofurky Giblet gravy on an Earth-Friendly Dioxin free box would taste like. The irony is, after steeping myself in this 100 percent vegan, wide world of soy, with all of its Earth-friendly, tree hugging, animal worshiping, green-tinted enlightenment, I left the dinner table with a strange longing to go out and kill something!

Needless to say, our leftovers were heaved over our deck railing. Consequently, sad cynics everywhere need lament no more! We now have an outlet for all those pent-up Thanksgiving grumbles. You’ve had your Pumpkin Chunkin, and Christmas’ Fruit Cake Fling. Now you can have your Thanksgiving Tofurky Toss. I recommend a muddy spot, and don’t thaw the Tofurky.