For my money, the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and the World Series of Poker are America’s top two sporting events, the only difference being, dogs whine less than poker players. Once again, intrepid Siberian husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his four-legged week in New York as he competed for best in show:
Wednesday: A wire fox terrier won it all again last year? What’s that, 14 times now? Why don’t they just save us all the trip and award it to the damn wire fox terrier by Skype? … Hope it’s not too late, but I brought a pinstriped water bowl for Derek Jeter’s retirement. … Every other dog used to be Fido; now every other dog is Fifi. … I’ve got a thing for chocolate brown Irish water spaniels. … Even a Shih Tzu would have given the ball to Marshawn Lynch.
I hate it when they trim the fur around my paw pads.
Thursday: When I first started coming to Westminster, I knew every dog in the joint. These days it’s a real international crowd. … He’s gone now, but I still appreciate Mayor Bloomberg’s “Stop and Pet” policy. … I’m fed up with online dating – how come everyone looks like Lassie in their photo? … Ever since they let the mutts in here for the agility championship, it feels like a Dave & Buster’s. … Attention, Roger Goodell: 11 Puppy Bowls, no concussions.
The hair dryer situation here is out of control.
Friday: If I ever win best in show, I’m not going to Disney World, I’m going to PetSmart with my owner’s AmEx card. … Historical Tidbit I: The media covered up the fact that FDR’s Scottish terrier, Fala, had fleas. … If you’re a young, black dog in this city, I’d think twice before lifting your leg to pee on any street. … It’s funny – humans say “dog-eat-dog world” and we say “Trump-eat-Trump world.” … When I’m in the ring, Phil Jackson says I should walk in a triangle.
I draw the line at Pumpkin Spice Alpo.
Saturday: In New York, walking a dog while impaired is only a ticket. Where’s the justice? … Historical Tidbit II: In his unpublished memoirs, Checkers disclosed that Richard Nixon had wire-tapped the dog house in 1955-56. … If you win they give you a steak lunch at Sardi’s, but no sides and no dessert. … I won’t go as far as some, but invisible fences are not “enhanced confinement.”… Hey, Rex Ryan, next time get a tattoo of your dog. … The standard poodle looks like it was groomed by Kim Jong Un’s barber.
I don’t think I’ve ever barked up the wrong tree.
Sunday: My owner doles out all of one treat a day for my snacking enjoyment while he’s dusting off a canister of Pringles. … I hate to sound like Ted Cruz, but some of those shelter dogs need to find a job. … I couldn’t watch “The Affair” on Showtime – reminded me of a fling I had with a Shetland sheepdog in ’07. … If Bono had been walking a dog instead of bicycling, he’d still be able to play the guitar. … Am I the only one who watches “Canines in Cars Getting Coffee”?
I can’t wait for those cigar-shaped chew toys from Cuba.
Monday: Memo to Samsung Galaxy execs: How do you expect a dog to hold a smartphone that large? WE HAVE NO THUMBS. … C’mon. You’re telling me Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are too busy to host Westminster? … Pope Francis says dogs can go to Heaven; we’ll meet St. Peter at the Pearly Hydrant. … It’s all the rage to crate dogs these days. Pfft. That’s a ticket to the next Cujo. … On behalf of all breeds – good call, Mitt Romney.
I’m all-in on Carl’s Jr.’s all-natural burger.
Tuesday: I dislike when the show begins the night after another Knicks home loss – it’s such a buzz kill with the Garden crowd. … It’s even money that the Lhasa Apso already broke her New Year’s resolution. … President Obama’s $4 trillion budget includes $500 in treats for Bo and Sunny. … Best airport dog park: Washington Dulles. They provide scented poop bags. … I can’t imagine the therapy costs Pavlov’s dogs ran up.
You’ve got to sniff a lot of butts to win this baby.
Ask the Slouch
Q. Bravo for sideswiping NBC’s Brian Williams in your Super Bowl column just days before he admitted he “conflated one aircraft with another” in making up his Iraq helicopter story. Have you ever conflated one of your marriages with another? (Michael Strauss; Cicero, Illinois)
A. Absolutely not. My marriages are like snowflakes – no two are alike.
Q. Don’t you agree the RICO law is broad enough to justify indicting the NCAA? (Jim Hayes; Haymarket, Virginia)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
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