The Spokesman-Review has some special wishes for newsmakers as we enter the new year. All in good fun.
For appointed Spokane police ombudsman Raheel Humayun: a fast-tracked visa so he can take a position that has been vacant for a year. Does he know Spokane “International” Airport has no direct flights to Canada?
For Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump: also a visa, from any one of the numerous nations whose citizens he has slandered.
For former Spokane City Councilman Mike Allen: tenure in his new position at Spokane Community College. No term limits there.
For former Spokane County Commissioner Todd Mielke: tenure at Greater Spokane Incorporated, and success in fostering a better business climate. The entire fate of the Inland Northwest economy rests on him, but no pressure.
For remaining Commissioners Shelly O’Quinn and Al French: a congenial nonbusiness lunch together. Of course, they’ll have to call a public meeting first. Oh, and that third-floor dining perch at River Park Square? Maybe not the best choice.
For outgoing City Councilman Jon Snyder: re-election of Gov. Jay Inslee, who appointed Snyder the first state director of outdoor initiative.
For “affluenza” sufferer Ethan Couch: in-fluenza, as in incarceration; mother Tonya catches the contagion.
For budding entrepreneurs: cornering the D battery and chain saw markets before the next windstorm.
For state Sen. Michael Baumgartner: a Maserati and an 85-mph speed limit on Interstate 90.
For City Council gadfly George McGrath: a new hobby or laryngitis, whichever is least painful.
For City Council President Ben Stuckart: seeing the McGrath wish granted.
For the protest group The Eighth Man: more diversity and a chapter called El Octave Hombre.
For Envision Spokane: copies of the U.S. Constitution.
For North By Northwest: a contract to shoot “Spokane Confidential,” a film noir depicting the twists and turns of City Hall politics, and its sequel, “Look Who’s Talking, Too.”
For Spokane Mayor David Condon, who is facing a veto-proof liberal majority on the council: a copy of “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
For Rachel Dolezal: a mixtape that includes, “Colour My World,” “Black and White,” and “Pretty Fly (For A White Girl).”
For fact-checkers on the presidential trail: endless supplies of ink and 5-hour Energy drinks.
For global warming deniers, beachfront property or a remote cabin east of the Cascades.
For Washington State University football: sun at the next Sun Bowl, or roses at the next Rose Bowl.
For Troy Kelley, out- and in-again Washington state auditor: a personal auditor.
For The Spokesman-Review editorial board: a better winning percentage on endorsements.
For Inland Northwest citizens: a genuinely happy and prosperous new year.
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