CAROLYN HAX: Recovering liar seeks an authentic life

Dear Carolyn: Do you have to tell someone about your past to absolve yourself?

I spent my early adulthood lying constantly. I now realize I was just too afraid to be myself, that I was actually just trying to please people to assuage my fears about being inadequate.

I’ve put a lot of effort into becoming a more authentic person and I’m still working on it, but I wonder if I have to tell someone about my lies to actually overcome this character flaw. I worry I could lose long-term relationships if I come clean. Any advice? – Have to Tell?

You don’t tell for absolution. That’s not something others have to give.

You do tell, though, as a necessary step in conquering your fears. You spent years making up a fake self out of fear that others would see your real self as inadequate – yes? Hiding your true self is a small step from lying.

Either way it’s a capitulation to your fear of not being enough.

This isn’t to say you have to tell everyone everything you did. You can be authentic as a work in progress.

When you want to experience intimacy, however, you will have to risk being vulnerable, and that means telling the truth.

There’s another, more practical reason to share. If you don’t, then you will just live in a new kind of fear: the fear of discovery.

You may risk losing people when you tell, yes. But the ones who know all about you and then choose to stay? Those are worth the risk.

Dear Carolyn: My boyfriend’s parents do not like me … or rather his mom doesn’t like me and is a very controlling woman, so it’s hard to tell what his dad thinks of me. They just booked tickets to visit us for the second time this year in spite of my boyfriend saying it is a bad time.

He is overloaded with work, so instead of confronting her when he found out, he has chosen to push the confrontation until later. Last time they claimed they would occupy themselves but of course when they arrived, the “we paid all this money to see you” guilt trip started immediately.

He is younger, so he still is working on the standing up to her. Any suggestions for me to help him put his foot down with her? – Unwanted Hosts

No, I will not give you suggestions to help you become the next controlling person to whom your boyfriend outsources his uncomfortable decisions.

He is “younger” so he’s still “working on” it? No to that, too.

You’re clearing two different paths with that rationalization. One is toward taking over the decisions your boyfriend fails to make.

The other path leads to treating your boyfriend’s weakness not as a bad thing, but instead as a thing that will be good eventually and he just needs to fix it.

You don’t want to be on either path. Neither does he.

Instead, speak only for yourself: “When you decide not to say no to your mom, I end up in the awkward spot of having to host them while you’re busy at work. That’s not fair to me – or to your parents, for that matter.”

Then, see whether he speaks for himself in response to your concerns.

Then see whether you, he, and the power balance in this relationship are healthy enough to hold up.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com, follow her on Facebook at www.facebook.com/ carolyn.hax or chat with her online at noon Eastern time each Friday at www.washingtonpost.com.