MISS MANNERS: Professor needs to master ‘professional’ tone

DEAR MISS MANNERS: In my work as a college professor, it is a joy to see the students learn and grow, and I love having a small part in their stories. But there are two related queries to which I have yet to identify a gracious response. Both come, whether via email or face-to-face, from students who have missed class for any of a wide variety of reasons.

Question 1: “What did I miss?” I’m uncertain how to politely explain that I’m not able to offer a condensed version of the class to the student.

Question 2: “Did I miss anything important?” Almost anything I can think of to say sounds either sarcastic or as if I were hurt, and neither is what I would want to convey, for the inquirer generally means well.

GENTLE READER: The words of your answer will be straightforward if we can first agree on delivery. The tone you are looking for is “professorial,” itself a variation on “serious.”

As a nation of people hoping to someday be on a television comedy series, we have forgotten that not all responses can, or should, be sarcastic (or what passes for witty banter). Miss Manners herself has, on occasion, shockingly been known to lighten a difficult situation with humor.

For those needing a refresher, serious statements are direct and unequivocal, said without the wry smile, the look away or a roll of the eyes. Neutral, in other words:

“We covered the causes of the Spanish Civil War, which are in chapters five through eight in the textbook.” This is the pattern for answers to both questions, as you will want to leave any determination of the importance of the lecture as an exercise for the student.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have some very good friends who have always been there for me. They live very close to my house.

This year, since my youngest kid is not old enough to take the school bus, they offered to drop her off at my home after school with her older siblings. I work full-time, and this was such a great blessing for me. They have done this wholeheartedly and have never expected anything back.

I want to reward them with something really special, and I am not sure how to do that. My spouse thinks I should give them a generous monetary gift card, but I am not sure if that would offend them and affect our beautiful friendship. At the same time, I do not want to do nothing for them when they have done so much for me. How do you reward your close friends?

GENTLE READER: At some point, they may need an equally selfless act on your part, which you will no doubt be glad to do. But in the meantime, Miss Manners applauds you for recognizing that a friendship is different than a commercial transaction.

What you want to express is gratitude. This can be done with an effusive letter and a small gift. Just remember that it is the gift, not the letter, that is optional.