You know Inland Northwest lake waters are too cold for swimming when …

This comes up every year in the Inland Northwest.

When are area lakes OK for comfortable swimming?

Not everyone agrees about this. How about you?

Here’s a multiple-choice offering to help you decide.

You know lake water is still too cold when …

A) The words coming out of your mouth after you hit the water remind you of what you used to report to the priest back when you went to confession as a kid.

B) The images that come to mind the moment you dive in shift back and forth between a steerage passenger on the Titanic as it slips beneath the surface and treading water after your freighter on the icy North Atlantic has been torpedoed by a U-boat.

C) People on the dock from which you jumped can hear your scream even though you are still submerged.

D) Your brother-in-law tells you “the water’s fine.”

E) You jump in and the next thing you know you are staring up at bright lights as someone wearing a surgical mask asks you to count backward from 100.

F) If you are male, well, never mind.

G) It causes you to begin speaking in tongues.

H) If you are female, the cold water causes your, well, never mind.

I) You find yourself asking, “I wonder if this is approximately the same temperature as the dark, lifeless void of outer space?”

J) You suddenly realize, with alarming clarity, that you are not now nor have you ever been a penguin.

K) Remember Leo Bloom’s panic attack in Max’s office early in the original version of “The Producers?” Well, picture something like that.

L) It puts you in mind of a former mayor of Spokane who, in the midst of an extended citywide wintertime power outage, referred to taking a “Viking shower” with unheated water.

M) You find yourself reconsidering the whole proposition while still suspended in midair over the water after taking a big, bold leap toward releasing your inner Huck Finn.

N) You suddenly remember that Spokane is north of several major Canadian cities and it is still just May.

O) As the water envelops you in its frigid grip, you can’t help but note that no one speaking in somber tones on “Game of Thrones” ever said, “Summer is coming.”

P) After surfacing, you thrash about so wildly while giving voice to a primal scream that onlookers fear you might be caught in the jaws of a great white steelhead.

Q) Half a second after you hit the water, you find yourself desperately searching for a rewind button.

R) When you surface, you uncontrollably shout a few choice lines from ’90s movies that you don’t even recall having seen.

S) The water seems pretty darned bracing, even though you yelled, “Ramma-lamma-ding-dong,” as you jumped in.

T) A mysterious pointy-eared man in a “Star Trek” uniform warns you that what you are about to jump into is not a Class M lake, at least not yet. And after you dive in, you find yourself forced to agree with that sobering assessment.

U) “Cold water, I can live with,” you think as you launch yourself as a cannonball over the lake. “I just don’t want any dinosaurs in the water like in that movie preview I keep seeing on TV.”

V) The moment you enter the water you start to experience an organ shutdown sequence known as Idahomia. The first to go is your gizzard.

W) Upon diving in, you are struck with an unmistakable realization: Some of this water putting a big chill on your nether regions was snow about half an hour ago.

X) The water is shocking enough to trigger an LSD flashback.

Y) For a brief moment after diving in, you find that you are able to yodel.

Z) The fact that your swimming trunks came off is the least of your worries.

Duck, duck, goose

Tuesday’s column reminded my friend Lawrence of what he termed a “grandpa joke.”

Here it is.

When you see geese flying in a V formation, one arm of the V is almost always longer than the other arm.

Do you know why that is?

It has more geese in it.