Dear Annie: Heading off a problem

Dear Annie: We would like your advice before there is a problem. We will be moving later this year to live with our son and his family. They have a duplex, and we will have our own unit. We expect to provide child care to our granddaughter and for the new baby coming soon. We will all be together during the Thanksgiving weekend and have plans to work out some logistics and clarify expectations.

Our question to you is, What are some things that we should consider as we talk about our plans? Currently, we all get along well and would like to keep it that way. We take care of our granddaughter frequently, and of course, we do it free. If we were to be full-time caregivers for the newborn, then neither of us would be able to work. Would it be reasonable to exchange child care for a reduction in rent? How do we set limits on our availability? What else should we discuss prior to the move? – Two Grandmas

Dear Two Grandmas: It’s fantastic you’re being proactive to head off potential sources of conflict. Absolutely, I think it’s reasonable to ask for a reduction in rent because you’ll be helping to take care of their children full time. Your child care will most likely save your son and daughter-in-law thousands of dollars a year in baby-sitting or day care fees. You should also discuss how you all would like to handle other living expenses, such as utilities. And beyond finances, you should also discuss your general expectations about living together – how much time you’ll spend together, what things tend to bother you, etc. Some conflicts will inevitably arise from time to time, but they’ll be much easier to resolve if you’ve established open lines of communication from the start.

For more tips on ensuring a smooth transition to living with adult children, see “Considering Moving Your Loved One into Your Home?” on AARP’s website. It includes a checklist of questions that both the adult children and the parents should take into account.