Dear Annie 6/15
Dear Annie: My siblings and I were never close. In fact, my brother and I could have been considered “mortal enemies” as we grew up. Since our mother passed nine years ago, there has been little to no contact.
In the past few years since I retired, I have come to realize that a lot of the circumstances surrounding our upbringing did not encourage family unity. I feel like I’ve gone through the stages of grieving as this realization has set in. I also realize that, with one brother deceased and a sister very ill, my brother, the former “mortal enemy,” and I are the only ones from our generation who are still healthy.
I have wondered what can be done to bring us together, and have to tell you that circumstances surrounding COVID-19 have opened the door. We all live in different states now, and I have taken it upon myself to check in with family members, including nieces and nephews, on a weekly basis, asking how everyone is. I collect the responses, email my brother with their updates, and ask for his updates. He responds!
When it’s time to contact the others, I let them know what is going on with him. I don’t know where this will lead between my brother and I, but I feel encouraged. He is even talking about visiting and offers my daughter advice about the future. This is all new, and we are both proceeding very carefully, but there is hope. As difficult as it was to take that first step, I’m writing to encourage others to do it. Choose your words carefully and be brief to start, but start! – Sigh of Relief
Dear Sign of Relief: Wow, just wow! You took a difficult time , with COVID-19, and turned it into a time for you and your brother to heal a strained relationship. You took this pandemic as an opportunity to open your heart and reach out to your brother .
That is to be applauded and encouraged. Thank you for sharing your letter, and I am hopeful that it motivates other people to do the same. Family – whether it is the one we are born into or the one we choose – is everything. And although members of that family can be challenging or difficult, they are still, in the end, a part of us.
Dear Annie: My husband’s disabled cousin lives with us. I wouldn’t mind except he smokes cigarettes in his bedroom, which is essentially a mother-in-law space. The smell of smoke seeps out into the front yard, where I like to garden. I have asthma, and it makes me cough, so I have to leave, but more, it enrages me. He has several serious health issues, and his doctors have pleaded with him to stop smoking. He has tried many times but never succeeds for long.
When I look at him, I don’t see a person most of the time; I see a walking cigarette. I grew up in a house blue with cigarette smoke, and my mother, and first mother-in-law, both died of lung cancer. My husband finally gave me an ultimatum that I’m no longer allowed to complain about this. I spend so much time angry. I can’t afford a therapist. Is there a group to whom I can vent? – Up In Smoke
Dear Up in Smoke: I’m not really what ultimatum your husband gave you, but it clearly is not working. You have asthma, and it is your house. You have every right to request that your husband’s cousin smoke elsewhere or that something is done to reduce the effect of the smoke. However, being angry isn’t going to help him quit.
It doesn’t serve anybody if you are walking around like a teapot ready to blow. Find some compassion for your husband’s cousin. Instead of seeing him as a walking cigarette, see him as a person with flaws – and strengths. Focus on those strengths. The more compassion we have toward the people we live with, the more things will flow harmoniously.
“Ask Me Anything: A Year of Advice From Dear Annie” is out now! Annie Lane’s debut book – featuring favorite columns on love, friendship, family and etiquette – is available as a paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.