Miss Manners 10/23
DEAR MISS MANNERS: How much rude and boorish behavior should a host tolerate?
We invited family members over for dinner whom we had not seen in some time. They first asked if they could come at 5 p.m., their normal dinnertime; ours is more like 6:30. I offered a compromise of 5:30. They arrived at 5:15.
They offered to bring appetizers – a store-bought container of cheese dip (and no crackers).
Dinner was served buffet style, and we allowed the guests to go first. They did not wait for us before eating. It also made it too awkward to say grace.
We did enjoy each others’ company over the evening. The male family member is very outgoing and gregarious. He dominated every conversation. If we were talking, he would simply interrupt.
This behavior worsened as the evening – and alcohol consumption – continued. After being interrupted several times, I politely asked that he allow me to finish speaking. A second time, I simply turned to him and asked that he “Stop. Talking.” Neither of these worked, so I eventually snapped, raised my voice and said, “Please. Stop. Talking.”
Now I am the pariah. What should I have done differently?
GENTLE READER: You do actually enjoy this family’s company. Let us try to remember that.
Because while Miss Manners does not insist that you endure rude and boorish behavior, she notices that you seem to find offenses that do not seem intolerable.
While it is true that hosts should dictate the meal time, reasonable requests can be accommodated. The lack of crackers and premature seating are also relatively minor infractions, but they did lead to your explosion. And in etiquette terms, it was an explosion. Insisting during a lively discussion that someone stop talking, when that person thinks they’re being exuberant, is jarring. His behavior was rude, your reaction was more so.
Instead, ceasing your own conversation then good-naturedly saying, “I wonder if the others could have a turn now. It was bit hard to hear over you,” would have accomplished the same thing.
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