Dear Annie 10/31
Dear Annie: I’ve been with a guy for about a year. He always talks about us getting married and having kids. We have been together close to a year. My problem is that whenever I’ve tried to discuss serious topics with him such as our views on sex, religion, finances and more, he brushes my questions aside, insisting these will work themselves out after marriage. I don’t want to commit to someone who shares different views on these fundamental matters, as it can cause divorce in the future.
I have other doubts. He acts indifferent when around me and does not really show care and attention for me. He sometimes tells me that he loves me so much – which is why he wants us to get married quickly. I feel he just wants someone to take care of him – do his cooking, laundry, etc.
I like this man, but his refusals for us to talk about these important issues scare me into getting fully committed. What should I do? – Strained Communication
Dear Strained: Those are all important topics to raise before marriage, as you wisely note. You don’t need to align perfectly in every department, but you do need to at least discuss them. The fact that he refuses to do so is a giant, billowing red flag. If I may act as a microphone to that little voice in your head: Run, run, as fast as you can.
Dear Annie: I have a dilemma. My ex-husband, who is the father of our two children (16 and 17), always seems to end up back in my day-to-day life. He has stayed with me at least four times since we have been divorced. He always gets me with a sob story about why he needs to stay at my house with me and the kids.
He has been staying with us for three months, because he decided to rent his home out and I was his backup plan apparently. I don’t want a romantic relationship with him and I’m trying to be diplomatic when telling him to get out. By the way, every place I’ve lived since our divorce, he has used the address to send his mail. I’m tired of his smothering nature, but I want to maintain a civil friendship for the sake of the kids. Help! – Smothered in Georgia
Dear Smothered: The next time he starts up with one of these sob stories, plug your ears. There is no excuse for his imposing on you this way. He’s preventing you both from moving on.
Set boundaries and stick to them. Tell him the current situation is not working and that you need him to find somewhere else to stay. This isn’t just the right thing to do for your mental health but also the smart thing to do for the sake of civility: If you continue letting him stay with you and bottle up your real feelings, it’s only a matter of time before you explode.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.