Miss Manners 12/10

DEAR MISS MANNERS: How, if at all, does one acknowledge or comment on the gender change of a friend’s child?

We have known these friends since their children were small, and one child has recently changed their gender identity. Next time we see the parents (who do not live nearby, but we see them periodically), how do we address it, if at all?

It seems odd to say nothing, as it is a major life change, but I’m not sure what would be appropriate.

GENTLE READER: There is really no need to draw attention to it other than to make sure you have learned the correct name and pronouns from the parents in advance.

Miss Manners suggests that you take your cue from the child, but not pointing out the obvious may well be a welcome respite from the undoubted barrage of constant questions and observations – both the rude and the benevolent kinds.

As an aside and in case you were wondering, you may also freely refer to shared memories and past events – as long as you are careful not to say, “That was back when you were Rupert, not Rue.”

DEAR MISS MANNERS: We live in one of the more locked-down areas of the country, and my son, who just turned 10, has been pretty isolated since the pandemic began. He didn’t have much of a filter before, but his responses to situations have grown incredibly rude. If he doesn’t like something, it’s “Ewwwww, so gross!” Or “This is horrible!” And the most despised response: “This sucks!!”

Please help! Are there books or classes that we could use to “reset”? As a family, we are pretty conscious of manners – napkins in laps at dinner, “please” and “thank you” always, etc.When we are out in public, he is usually polite. But this terror at home has me worried that such behaviors will spill over.

GENTLE READER: There is such a thing as “at-home” manners. It is confined, however, to picking up the chicken leg at the family dinner table instead of cutting it, and … actually, Miss Manners thinks that might be it.

You have reaped the unpleasant repercussions of differentiating between private and public manners. And while occasional bad behavior in a 10-year-old cannot, perhaps, be entirely avoided, this is a chance to teach him that no one likes to receive rudeness. Not even parents.

Miss Manners suggests that much of this education lies with you, his parents – who now have the unenviable task of distinguishing between “being honest” and hurting people’s feelings.

Developing empathy and curbing our more basic human instincts in favor of getting along are necessary skills in any society. As your son’s is still largely confined to the immediate family, he will no doubt have a grateful – and captive – audience for his efforts. Take advantage of that.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website missmanners.com.