Carolyn Hax 12/19

Hi, Carolyn: Our 30-year-old single daughter revealed to us recently that she has begun binging and purging again, something she had done in college but had stopped. We made very little reaction. She is in therapy and has been for many years.

My question is how to handle things if/when she visits at Christmas. I’m uncomfortable thinking this behavior will happen in our home, yet I don’t think we can control it and perhaps shouldn’t try? State our preferences knowing we can’t control her actions? I’m actually not sure why she told us and wish I didn’t know. – West Coast Family

West Coast Family: So, your daughter is suffering from a setback in her long struggle with a famously treatment-resistant, potentially fatal illness – and your main concern is that it puts you on the spot.

That’s … just … wow. And, “preferences”? And risking a pile on, I wonder why you thought “single” was so germane to the matter at hand. Your daughter’s decision to share this with you was brave, important and a chance for you to help.

I hope what I’ve picked up here is not an utter lack of compassion but instead a case of fatigue. With any long struggle, loved ones can grow fatigued to the point where their support starts to slip.

It would not be good for your daughter at all to read this on you, so it’s your responsibility to deal with any frustration on your own time to ensure you don’t add an ounce to her burden – but, the feeling itself would be understandable.

If instead you’ve always treated her illness as “this behavior” she inconsiderately conducts in your home, then I am going to beg you, beg, that you talk to a therapist as soon as you can find one versed in these issues. Because your daughter’s life might depend on your understanding the role your family’s dynamics, relationships and, apparently, self-centered detachment play in her illness.

If the end of my sentence made you flinch with defensiveness, then seek that therapeutic assist all the sooner. And if I’ve misread you, then, my sincere apologies. But professional guidance would still be appropriate: Whether you’re compassionate, compassion-fatigued or outright compassion-challenged, there’s no argument against getting informed.

Again, disordered eating is a complicated problem. The National Eating Disorders Association has a volunteer-staffed Helpline, (800) 931-2237 (nationaleatingdisorders.org), where you can turn the gratuitous helplessness of “hard to know what to say” into something warm, caring and therapeutically sound.

You can discuss strategies beforehand for a Christmas visit, too, to free your mind just to love her and welcome her home. You can find virtual friends-and-family support. You can do this much for your daughter.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.