Carolyn Hax 12/22

Dear Carolyn: At the end of last year, my wife lost her job as a high-paid exec.

She looked around for a new job before deciding to start her own business, but it hasn’t taken off.

We’ve been married 15 years and have three kids and have always lived well on two incomes.

Now we live paycheck to paycheck on my salary, and I do part-time jobs on the weekends.

I’m starting to feel pressured that the financial security is all on me.

I’ve suggested counseling, but she isn’t interested.

What should I do? – Suburban Dad

Suburban Dad: When someone does something to you, asks something of you or dumps something on you that you find unacceptable, it’s important to name the thing clearly.

It is also helpful to acknowledge anything positive you see. And it’s important to be proactive and offer solutions.

So, in this case you could: 1. Offer support. “I want you to achieve your dream.” Of course you do. Right? But it’s still a kindness to say it out loud.

2. Name the thing: “It bothers me, though – now to the point of resentment – that you seem OK with my carrying everything indefinitely.”

She needs to know about the resentment and that it’s not the lopsided workload so much as her (seemingly) indifference.

One caveat: Marriages are complicated, and memories are long. If there’s a history of her taking on more, then rephrase. “I’m glad I could pick up the slack for you, but I’m starting to crack.”

3. Request the fix: Would her getting a part-time job be enough? Capping the length of her business’s runway? Restarting her job search? Be mindful of your needs, hers, the kids’.

Please also note this is a lot of talking. It’s for good reason, but it’s also limited if you don’t leave room to listen, as well.

Your question is about the awful feeling of being a subordinate in your own life. The healthy objective is for you each to be gently holding a rein.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.