Dear Annie 3/6

Dear Annie: I am a 57-year-old divorced woman. I have a 31-year-old son who is dealing with serious health consequences from neglecting his Type 1 diabetes for the past 10 years. My heart breaks for him. His health keeps declining. He will have to start dialysis soon. He’s lived with me for most of his adult life.

My problem is that he is extremely verbally abusive. This has been going on for about five years and seems to be getting worse. He throws tantrums, sometimes so intense that he ends up damaging things in the house.

I’m tired of dealing with this, and I fear it will just keep getting worse. He can’t afford to live on his own with just $800 monthly disability checks. I just can’t deal with this anymore, but I can’t afford to pay rent at a whole separate apartment for him.

Is it wrong for me to professionally convert my two-car garage to an apartment for him and make him live there? – Worn-Down Mom

Dear Worn-Down: If you’re asking whether it’s selfish of you to convert your garage into an apartment for your son – no, absolutely not. But it might be “wrong” for different reasons, in that it doesn’t go far enough in creating space between you two.

You need to set healthy boundaries with your son, for both of your sakes. It’s completely unacceptable for him to treat you so poorly. Also, it’s not healthy for him to be in an environment where he can avoid the consequences of his actions. As psychologist Noelle Nelson put it: “Enabling is helping a person in a way that feeds the dysfunction. Helping is being there for someone in a way that does not support the dysfunction.” I recommend reading Melody Beattie’s “Codependent No More” and attending some meetings of a support group such as Families Anonymous before deciding on your next move.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.