Dear Annie 5/31
Dear Annie: I have a family situation that I am not sure how to handle. My middle daughter lives in another town where she is attending graduate school. In three weeks, she will begin a summer internship in her hometown, where her mother and I live.
I have not asked her where she plans to live for the summer due to her busy exam and study schedule. We want her to stay with us – except for her dog, which she rescued from a shelter about three years ago. The dog and my daughter are very attached to each other, and, in general, the relationship has been very good for both of them.
The problem is that her dog is hyper and has had problems cohabitating with the two other dogs living in my house. We have had my daughter and her dog at our house several times before, and we also kept him once for a week when she was traveling. My wife and I cannot handle the stress of her dog and his destruction for the summer.
We would like to offer our house to our daughter, knowing she will still be required to pay rent at her school apartment and likely cannot afford rent during the internship in another town.
How do we approach her about her summer living arrangements before we get this sprung on us a few days in advance of her start date, knowing she probably does not have an option for the dog? – Not Quite the Empty Nesters
Dear Not Quite the Empty Nesters: In order to avoid “Rovergate,” you must act swiftly and directly. Speak with your daughter about possible dog trainers or videos and books that could help her train the dog to not have destructive behavior.
Before your daughter moves in, go for walks or fun outings with your fur babies and hers. That way the dogs can hopefully establish a friendship outside the home on neutral territory.
Dear Annie: I am the mother of four adult children. I have many happy memories of all their childhoods, including birthdays, graduations and other milestones. I feel I have wonderful relationships with three of them (and their spouses).
The fourth has been challenging, to say the least. He rarely visits and seems uncomfortable and angry around me. Everything I know about his life I find out from his siblings. He has some substance abuse issues that he refuses to acknowledge – I think that’s part of what is going on. It’s certainly not where I imagined we would be at this stage of our lives.
How do I proceed? He doesn’t seem open to, or capable of, letting me in. Is there hope for a relationship when it’s one-sided? Do I just ignore the behavior and hope he comes around? I love him dearly, but liking him is becoming more difficult. – Sad and Hopeless
Dear Sad and Hopeless: Where there is love, there is hope. Your relationship with your son can certainly be saved. Since your three other children have a good relationship with him, ask them whether they can help him acknowledge his substance abuse issues. He must be treated for that, first and foremost, because until then, you are not dealing with him but the substances altering his brain and personality.
Ignoring his behavior won’t do him any favors. It sounds like he is hurting, and when someone is hurting, there is nothing like a family member showing they care. Maybe your other children will be able to get through to him. Even if he continues to push you away, just come back to him with love.
Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.