Dear Annie 11/20

Dear Annie: I need help. I’ve let my niece move in with me, my husband and my 17-year-old daughter after her husband died by suicide.

She and her husband had issues for the last two years. They were both on drugs. I felt sorry for her after he passed. She has a sister and a 16-year-old son. Her son lives with his best friend and his family. My niece signed over custody to his mom, so she doesn’t have many responsibilities.

It’s been almost three months since she moved in. She doesn’t work. I pay for everything for her. She doesn’t do anything. I cook, clean and do her laundry. She will go out with her friends and come back, but I know they’ve been partying. I don’t know what to do. It’s causing problems between me and my husband.

I can’t afford to take care of her. I don’t know how to tell her she has to find a place to go. I feel like a bad aunt, but she doesn’t want to help herself or anything. What should I do ? – Agonizing Aunt

Dear Agonizing: First off, please know you are absolutely not a “bad aunt.” You opened your heart and your home to your niece after this unthinkable tragedy in her life and have shown her such compassion and understanding.

As supportive as you sound and want to be for her, you cannot enable her to continue the behavior you’ve described. Though still grieving the loss of her husband, no doubt, your niece must start putting her life back in order for herself and for the benefit of her son.

Let her know that to continue staying in your home, she must contribute like any other adult would – that means cleaning dishes, pitching in around the house, finding a job, paying rent and more. She also cannot under any circumstances use drugs under your roof nor should she outside the home if she wants to continue staying with you.

Suggest that she speak with a therapist or grief counselor to work through the trauma of her late husband’s death and seek help to heal from her years of substance use.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.