Carolyn Hax 9/22

Dear Carolyn: My daughter is having a baby. She and her husband live in Europe. She has not spoken to her father (my husband) for four years.

When she decided to remarry and move, her father disapproved. They became angry. She broke off contact. Her husband threatened that we would never see her again unless we apologized.

I kept calling for a year before she took me back. My husband remains estranged. I pressured one, then the other, to make up. It only made them angry. I ended up alone in therapy.

I now have a good relationship with both.

I want to visit. My husband gets upset whenever I bring it up. What are the right words to say before I buy a ticket? – What to Say

What to Say: There are no “right words.”

There is only stating your intentions.

You are neither asking his permission nor dropping a fait accompli.

Now to overstep: I’ve talked a lot about controlling people here. The most useful insight I have, though, is from my own experience. When I notice myself tensing up and scripting my words, that’s my aha moment that I’m involved with someone controlling. The people who accept me as I am don’t erupt at things I say.

They will respond, sure, but not react with anger or outrage. Or if they do, they recover quickly and apologize. They don’t punish, silence or go cold on me.

Healthy people also don’t wield “disapproval” over fellow adults. Express concerns? Sure. Or feel hurt or confused. But disapproval is an instrument of control.

So: If hints of control issues appeared in neon, your letter would be Times Square. Your husband especially, but you, your daughter and son-in-law also did, maybe learned behaviors or defense mechanisms.

You worked effectively with a therapist, good stuff; controllers often turn loved ones into peacemakers. Now consider a follow-up to explore larger control issues in the family dynamics.

Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.