Miss Manners 12/12

DEAR MISS MANNERS: For nearly 29 years, my wife and I have held a Christmas dinner party for the four men who were in our wedding party, along with their wives. It has become a tradition that we have been told is the highlight of the holiday season for our friends.

Here’s the problem. One of these couples has never invited us to their home. Another hasn’t had us over for 15 years, and a third couple, not for seven years. The fourth couple actually reciprocates.

Last year we got fed up and didn’t have the party. When these friends asked us why, we attributed it to some health problems my wife had had. Another year has gone by, and the situation hasn’t changed.

We’re no longer going to invite people over who never return the invitation.

What’s an appropriate response when I’m asked why we’re not having the party? The truth would make us sound like we were begging for invitations. These are old friends, but evidently no longer close ones. Should I simply say we’re too busy, or is there a gracious way to let people know they have been a big disappointment?

GENTLE READER: Actually, you have done it. If only you hadn’t undercut it by claiming health reasons. You could have said, “We hadn’t seen you all year, so we didn’t think you would be interested in continuing.”

A common hazard in connection with annual parties is that guests begin to think that the normal mutual obligations between hosts and guests do not apply. Miss Manners knows that many people think that anyway, but it is especially so when the event seems to be a tradition of the hosts that the guests feel they help them stage just by being there.

Also, as you have found out, they consider that their place on your guest list is good for every year. An acquaintance of Miss Manners’ used to give a splendid New Year’s Eve ball, and one year, when he did not send invitations because he was out of town, the person watching his house told him that 40 people had shown up.

So her advice to those who are kind and hospitable enough to give annual parties is to vary them a bit from year to year – or perhaps skip a year now and then.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: Here’s a pet peeve I have when giving Christmas gifts. So often the response is along the lines of, “OMG, I didn’t get you a gift.”

I hate that. I give gifts because I want to, and I have no expectation of something in return. I hate the idea that my main accomplishment is to put a guilt trip on the other person.

Although I have no problem telling people this, I wish they would just say “Thank you, that’s very thoughtful” right away. If you agree with me, perhaps a comment from you could help spread the message.

GENTLE READER: Sure. But Miss Manners also values this as an example of how a perfectly proper and inevitable thought can become improper when it is said aloud. The gracious recipient will shut up after thanking the donor, and only make a private note of looking for a chance to reciprocate.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.