Miss Manners 10/24

DEAR MISS MANNERS: What would you suggest I do when people thoughtlessly use my name to describe a person completely different from the type of person that I am?

Or when someone hears me being called by my name and decides to be physically violent towards me for no reason at all?

Or when someone smashes into a vehicle containing my four grandchildren, my daughter and myself – just because my name is Karen?

GENTLE READER: It is probably not much of a comfort to realize that these criminals are practicing the very behavior – viciousness and violence – that they foist on your innocent name.

Such actions cannot be countered with a quip. When violence is committed, it should be turned over to the law.

However, you also mention these comments being made thoughtlessly. Miss Manners would think that saying, “What is your name – and what does it say about your character?” would provoke some thought.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I receive more thank-you notes (for wedding, baby and birthday gifts) via texting than I do through the mail. Is this the new norm? I suppose I should be delighted at any acknowledgment of my gift-giving.

I’m teaching my children to write out thank-you notes and address the envelopes, yet all we receive are texted thank-yous. I have accepted that a text is better than nothing at all in this modern world.

GENTLE READER: Judging from the complaints Miss Manners receives from those whose generosity goes unacknowledged, the new norm is to ignore receiving presents while expecting them to continue to be given.

Indeed, many would consider you lucky to have gotten any reaction other than the bank’s confirmation that the celebratory check was cashed.

It will not surprise you that Miss Manners does not endorse “new norms” as proper behavior if they are hurtful. And that she, like you, is still in favor of handwritten letters of thanks.

Why – when texting is so easy and instant?

Well, that is the problem. The entire custom of giving and accepting presents is being gutted to remove from it the bother of thought and effort. Would-be donors are spared the necessity of thinking about what would be appreciated, as they are issued lists of requests. And the recipients key their responses, or lack of them, to that effort.

What Miss Manners wonders is: What is left? What is the point?

The point in the ancient, noble tradition of exchanging presents was that it made people take close notice of those about whom they cared. The idea was to put thought into what might please someone.

It didn’t always work. Inevitably there were disappointing presents, which would be quietly stashed, secretly regifted or tolerated as a source of humor.

But when it did work, it was wonderful. The recipient’s delight was not only in getting something desirable, but in being so well understood, and having a keepsake as a reminder of that thoughtfulness. In turn, the donor was thrilled when told just how much of a success the gift was.

Too bad that all of that is being lost. But good for you to teach your children to express gratitude: It will be all the more appreciated now that it is becoming rare.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website www.missmanners.com.