Dear Annie 2/28

Dear Annie: I love your column, though the recent letters about abusive siblings and your responses have me concerned. The cultural pressure in the U.S. for victims to somehow be responsible for getting abusive people to change is a damaging and ineffective response to bullies.

I can’t imagine that you would encourage a child being bullied to just be kinder to their bully, thinking it will decrease the abuse.

Asking adults to extend olive branches is just as ineffective. It halves the responsibility of the abusive person (since they are getting away with the behavior) and doubles the responsibility of the victim (since they are now responsible both for their own response and also need to try harder to get the abusive person to stop).

It is critically important for victims to be able to set limits and gain distance from abusive people; at the same time, it is vital for abusive people to be given feedback that their behavior is unacceptable. This is about personal responsibility. Victims need to have the esteem to set limits, and bullies need to increase their awareness of problem behavior and make it stop.

Thanks for listening and for all of your columns over the years! – A Doctor with Advice

Dear Doctor: Your advice is excellent and much appreciated. You are absolutely correct that victims need to set boundaries and not let bullies bully them. Sometimes, though, when there are conflicts in families, it is not always a clear bully-and-victim situation, as you know, and each person in a quarrel has some responsibility for making the other person feel bad. However, you make several brilliant points in your letter, especially when one party is unquestionably the bully in the situation. Thank you for writing and for your wonderful insights.

Send your questions for Annie Lane to dearannie@creators.com.