John Hagney: Dazed by New Year’s resolutions? Resovle to celebrate these days

By John Hagney

With 2022 kind of a downer, aren’t we hungry for any morsel of mirth? So to indulge our craving for whimsy, I propose that we earnestly celebrate days oft overlooked, even deserving Congressionally designated holidays. Why not? The Roman Empire had 180 holidays and we’re better than them, right?

Rather than scolding their children over March 9 breakfast with, “Why were you TikToking til midnight!,” instead parents should say, “Happy National Meatball Day! And guess what I’m packing in your lunch?” And stop giving those lame excuses for calling in sick and on Aug. 3 tell the boss you’re observing National Grab Some Nuts Day. Or how about on National Make Women Dinner Day (Nov. 3, aka Men Make Dinner Day), men channeling their inner Neanderthal flash mob in Costco’s parking lot to Louis Armstrong’s “Struttin With Some Barbecue?”

Here’s some other national days that need to be rescued from obscurity and celebrated. I suggest you write these dates on your 2023 Secret Lives of Squirrels calendar:

Jan. 2: Thank God It’s Monday Day. Conflate with Weirdos Day on Sept. 9 and Ding-a-Ling Day on Dec. 12.

Jan. 7: Bobblehead Day. Since it follows the downer day of Jan. 6, Mattel could create a commemorative Lindsay Graham bobblehead. See also June 16, Flip Flop Day.

Jan. 13: Blame Someone Else Day. Enjoy this day with your favorite sociopath.

Feb. 13: Football Hangover Day. Could be observed with Beer Can Appreciation Day on Jan. 24.

Feb. 26: Tell a Fairy Tale Day. Also see Texas State Board of Education’s high school history curriculum.

Feb. 28: Public Sleeping Day. Many Americans apparently celebrate all year appareled publicly in PJs, dazed on their devices, and appear to be sleepwalking. Also see Election Day, Nov. 7.

March 1: Pig Day. Could retroactively recognize Pork Rind Appreciation Day on Feb. 13, which conveniently is also Football Hangover Day.

March 3: I Want You to Be Happy Today Day. Complements Tell A Lie Day on April 4 which aligns with Tax Day on April 18.

March 9: Barbie Day and Oct. 18, Ken Day. Good time to revisit Feb. 28 Spay & Neuter Day. Or defer until Dec. 16, Barbie and Barney Backlash Day.

March 15: Everything You Think Is Wrong Day. Could be observed early on March 11 the first 2023 date of SAT administration.

March 27: Triglycerides Day. Pair with July 25 Junk Food Day and Oct. 25 Greasy Food Day.

March 30: I Am In Control Day. Combine with June 5 Delusional Day.

April 1: Love Your Children Day. Only applies to children 12 and under.

April 5: Nebraska Day. Use the day to lobby for the rebranding of the corn fed state’s slogan to “Nebraska – Gateway to Kansas.”

April 28: Hairball Awareness Day. As if you need another reason not to get a cat.

May 14: Decency Day. Congress exempt.

May 18: Visit Your Relatives Day. Except the ones from the opposing political party and any who resemble the relatives in “Knives Out.”

May 21: Take Your Parents to the Playground Day. That’s after parents take their children to their playground – the casino- on Blackjack Day March 2.

July 23: Vanilla Ice Cream Day. See also Mike Pence’s birthday June 7.

Aug. 5: Underwear Day. When did underwear become haute couture outerwear? Good day to celebrate Hug a Plumber Day April 25.

Aug. 20: Accessible Air Travel Day. Is this an oxymoron?

Sept. 17: Constitution Day. Perhaps the Man with Orange Hair in a Red Cap will pass on this one?

Oct. 2: Name Your Car Day. Pre-/post-warranty expiration date names will likely vary.

Oct. 5: Get Funky Day/May 14 – Dance Like a Chicken Day. Dress as Big Bird and post a selfie video of yourself doing the Funky Chicken in front of the Red Wagon. Video will be used as evidence in your psychiatric hearing.

Oct. 7: Inner Beauty Day. This day will for some of us be modest atonement for our affront to public aesthetics on July 14 Nude Day.

Nov. 16: Indiana Day. Do something special for the Hoosier State remembering that it graced us with Dan Quayle, Mike Pence and the orange skies and rusty beaches of Gary.

Dec. 15: Cat Herders Day. Also see May 2, Teachers’ Day.

As we commence this new year, there are those who question America’s authority, dismissive of us as a diminished power. To those who doubt: Be assured that America remains “a shining city on a hill.” How could it be otherwise in a nation that can celebrate National Rubber Ducky Day on Jan. 13.

John Hagney’s 2023 resolution is to more often ask, “What would Mr. Rogers do?”