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Satire: Out-of-network baguettes
By Gordon S. Jackson
A satire, based on an imagined Supreme Court ruling allowing the prescription drug insurers to take over the country’s retail food business.
“Good morning. Just these four items, please.”
“And what food insurance plan are you with, sir?”
“I’ve signed up with Munch, but I’ve got only a temporary card right now.”
“No problem, sir. Let me enter that number. OK. Your oatmeal rings up at $85.70.”
“$85.70? That’s crazy. It used to be about $4.”
“I know, sir. But it shows here that it’s a Tier 3 food. And your plan has a high deductible, I’m afraid. Do you perhaps have a store subsidy plan – you know, like a store loyalty card?”
“Yes – should I enter my phone number?”
“Ah, good, that brings it down to $39.76.”
“Well, what about this baguette? Can you check the price on that?”
“That’ll cost zero; under your plan all baked goods are Tier 1 and covered at a zero rate. Except angel food cake. Don’t know why.”
“You mean the baguette is free?”
“Well, not ‘free’ but it’s zero-rated under the plan, if you’ve met your deductible – which you will if you get the oatmeal and the apple juice. The juice comes in at $431 for the half gallon. And the baguette’s zero-rated because you’ve chosen the generic store brand. A brand-name baguette would be in the $40 to $50 range.”
“Wait, the apple juice is $431?”
“Under your plan, sir, yes. That’s for a three-month supply.”
“But it’s only half a gallon; the kids will finish that over the weekend.”
“Sorry, sir; that’s how your plan is set up. But let me check something … Yes, I shouldn’t be telling you this, but if you go to First Class Foods, under your plan, you could get the apple juice for $12.60.”
“That’s $400 less!”
“Yes. But at that price you wouldn’t meet your deductible and the baguette would be … let me look … Ah, yes, $780.”
“What? $780 for a loaf of bread?”
“Well, that’s because First Class Foods isn’t an approved provider for baked goods, unlike our store. Their baguettes are out of network.”
“To be honest, I’m not exactly impressed with my plan. Wouldn’t I be better off paying cash?”
(Cashier laughs out loud; quickly composes herself.) “Trust me, you don’t want to go there! Actually, Munch is one of the better plans, from what I’ve seen. But let’s take a look at your fourth item. Ah, some donut holes. This gets a bit tricky–let me try to explain … ”
Gordon S. Jackson is a retired journalism professor and author or compiler of 18 books, including three satirical novels. His most recent book is “The God Who Blesses.”