Dear Annie: Stuck in downward spiral with long-term girlfriend
Dear Annie: My girlfriend and I have been in a relationship for 12 years now. We have a lot of history. I’m 54 and she is 55 now. We were best friends for a year in high school and we had a few incidents when we kissed back in the day. I left home for the Air Force in 1988. We kept in contact here and there. We both have been married. She had kids; I didn’t. I moved back home in 2010, and we became romantically involved and moved in six months later.
It was good for a while, but we started growing apart because she is insecure and I am not emotional at all. I also deal with depression, which she doesn’t understand and thinks medicine can help. I have gained a lot of weight in the last year, and she just doesn’t support me in anything. She is an introvert, and I am an extrovert. She said recently she doesn’t trust me because she got into my phone and read my conversations with my friend from high school where I was venting to my friend about our relationship. Now she gets an attitude if I go to lunch with that friend. I told her before that I need friends and a social life. She likes to plan, and I’m spontaneous. We have a diabetic dog, and she won’t let anyone come feed him except her son.
We have been clashing for years but stay together. I just want to be myself! I don’t know how to end it in a nice way. She blames everything on me and always says it’s all about me! I’m just over everything but don’t want it to be over, but we just can’t communicate anymore without arguing or being disrespectful to each other. Thank you for listening and hope to hear back from you. – Pondering in PA
Dear Pondering: You have quite the laundry list of grievances, but your first step should be treating your depression. Depression can make a lot of other, more trivial problems seem insurmountable. It sounds like you don’t want to be on medication, which is fine, but you should definitely start seeing a therapist.
Once that’s under control, you’ll be able to see your relationship more clearly. None of your other marriage problems sound like dealbreakers. A If you treat your depression and communicate honestly and respectfully, preferably with the help of a marriage counselor, you can get your relationship back on track.
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