Gordon S. Jackson: Trump’s anti-reindeer move threatens Santa’s deliveries

By Gordon S. Jackson

Santa’s ability to deliver the goods this Christmas could be in jeopardy, following a major immigration policy that President Trump announced last week. His administration will crack down on the unregulated migration of caribou, or reindeer, from Canada into Alaska. Thousands of undocumented Canadian caribou cross the U.S.-Canada border each year, Trump said, bringing in unknown parasites that can infect U.S. herds. In addition, “Many of these alien caribou are also hardened criminals, traveling in herds that engage in ruthless behavior during their annual migrations,” Trump said.

He announced at a White House news conference that he has in addition instructed U.S. Border Patrol to begin constructing a wall to stop the Canadian animals from entering the U.S. “to exploit our superior grazing grounds,” he said. “These caribou have no papers, they pay no taxes. They show up in Alaska because they don’t like the Canadian winters. They just graze as if they own the place,” he said.

When a reporter asked if Trump knew that these animals are in fact reindeer, he said, “Sure, but these are alien reindeer we’re talking about and we’ll treat them accordingly.” Might the president’s proposal threaten Santa’s deliveries? “Our priority is to keep the country safe, at all costs,” is all Trump would say.

Trump is also demanding that the Canadian caribou will pay for the wall. “It’s absolutely unacceptable what’s going on,” Trump said. “Border Patrol is detaining thousands of these illegal caribou each day. They’re incredibly uncooperative and won’t speak with our officers.”

He added, “These animals obviously have something to hide. Why else are they keeping quiet?”

Trump said, without providing evidence, that many of the caribou had criminal records. “There are some really bad, bad caribou coming our way. Arson, drugs, white collar crime, auto theft, DUI, drunk and disorderly, even murder. You name it. These animals behave like, well, animals. And we’ll do whatever it takes to keep them out and keep American people and caribou safe.”

If the annual surge of the migrating Canadian animals continues, Trump said, he may mobilize the Alaska National Guard to assist their ICE and Border Patrol colleagues.

Asked to comment on rumors that some of the illegal animals have been engaged in fraudulent voting for Democratic candidates in Anchorage and Fairbanks, Trump said, “It wouldn’t surprise me. It’s not a coincidence that Biden paid no attention to vetting these caribou. Did Biden require visas for these animals? No. How many caribou visas did they issue? Zero, none.” He added that he has asked Attorney General Pam Bondi to look into allegations of illegal caribou voting, especially voting by mail.

He has ordered ICE to immediately deport the caribou with the worst criminal records. Possible destinations are El Salvador, Rwanda and the southern African country of Eswatini, said an ICE official.

A senior official at the North American Aerospace Defense Command, or NORAD, which tracks Santa’s progress on Christmas Eve, followed up on the president’s comments, saying that any unauthorized reindeer entering U.S. airspace would likely be shot down as a precaution.

None of Santa’s reindeer could be reached for comment.

In Ottawa a spokesman for Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney expressed surprise at Trump’s announcement, saying that the White House had not been in touch with Canadian authorities on the proposed border crackdown. He added, “The reindeer may not be surprised, though. Migrating as they do from the Arctic Circle, these caribou are undoubtedly already familiar with ICE.”

Gordon S. Jackson is a retired journalism professor and author or compiler of 22 books, three of them satirical novels. He resides in Spokane.