Norman Chad

I like the NFL so much, I am going to do it a big favor today. Rather than simply pummel the league again for its decades-old, hypocritical stance on gambling – oh, we’ll do a little of that first – I will offer the world’s richest men a way to make themselves even richer! Let’s briefly review the NFL’s official stance on gambling:

You can’t win ’em all, but at Columbia University, sometimes you can’t win any of ’em. In the mid 1980s, the Columbia football team went through a historic 44-game stretch without a victory and, now, another generation of Columbia brainiacs has charted out a 20-game losing streak. (On the other hand, Columbia has a very, very, very good journalism school. I know this because I would’ve needed a court order to get into it.)

It’s a whole new ballgame in the NBA this year: A geeky commissioner in his first full season, LeBron James coming home to his 30,000-square-foot complex in Akron, Donald Sterling sitting courtside but not at Staples Center. Here’s an opening-week guide: (But, first, to get you in the mood, let’s listen to TNT carnival barker Kevin Harlan with some play-by-play from last season’s Clippers-Warriors series: “The rebound corralled by DeAndre Jordan. He has lassoed 21!” How often do you hear “corralled” and “lassoed” in a five-second span, outside of the Calgary Stampede?)

Note to Readers: Couch Slouch is well aware of the myriad critical issues, sporting and non-sporting, facing America today. So I apologize in advance for the following diatribe on a topic so trivial, I considered submitting the column under a nom de plume, to protect my family’s fast-fading reputation.

In our short time on this Earth, we are faced with myriad decisions. The big ones – regarding jobs and homes, family and faith – are actually easier than they look, in Couch Slouch’s opinion. It’s the little ones people get wrong.    For instance, as a recreational pastime, should an individual go golfing or go bowling?

There’s no business like show business, and there’s no better show business than the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show: It makes the Grammys look like the ESPYs. Once again, intrepid Siberian husky Chuchi’s Yuki kept an exclusive journal for Couch Slouch on his four-legged week in New York: Wednesday: Due to heightened security measures, we now have to give paw prints when we register at Westminster. … Everyone’s happy to see us back. The Ziegfeld Theater is showing “Tinker Tailor Soldier Samoyed.”… I think the beagle’s new handler is from Denver; his commands were: sit, stay, heel, Tebow. … I wasn’t there, but Occupy Wall Street did not seem dog-friendly. ... Had to travel from LAX to JFK in the cargo hold. Probably a blessing – the in-flight movie was “One for the Money.”…

Due to a family situation beyond my control – I fell for a sexy, omelet-making ingénue whose son is quite athletic – I have reconnected this academic year with the delights of high school basketball. (True Story: So I was being seduced by Toni, a.k.a. She Is The One, and after it became clear we were going to be Slouch & Wife, one night following another fabulous home-cooked meal, she opens the linen closet and two young kids – Isaiah and Mia – pop their heads out. I mean, she had never even mentioned children! In poker, when you take a long time before showing your winning hand – thus making your opponent think he’s got the best of it – it’s called “slow-rolling.” Well, Toni slow-rolled her kids; the dame got me hook, line and sinker. Wow.*)

New year, old habits: Sports Nation often gets it shorts all bunched up about everything and anything. At the moment, you can turn on talk radio – or dip a big toe in an online forum – and hear the clamor about next Monday’s Alabama-LSU BCS title game. Oh, the horror – the horror!!! – this rematch stirs up. This unrelenting devotion to all matters sporting strikes me as a springboard to insanity.

Occupy Wall Street? How ‘bout Occupy Madison Avenue? Those folks would sell Kryptonite to Superman. Here we are in the midst of this unrelenting economic downturn, yet best I can tell, they’re still trying to extract our money and make it their money, which, I’ll grant you, is pretty much the foundation of these United States of America.

A couple of weekends ago, a friend of mine – a serial sports bettor – called to relate to me his latest mood-altering, stomach-turning, I-bet-the-house-and- had-the-house-won- until-the-house-came- tumbling-down wagering disaster: He bet $1,000 on USC as a 7½ - point underdog against Stanford. USC never trailed by more than seven points and even led late in the game but Stanford forced overtime. If this were the NFL, my friend would’ve been ensured of winning his wager, since USC could not have lost by more than six points in the sudden-death extra period. But in college, teams alternate possessions from the 25-yard line, and if the game remains tied through two overtimes, by rule teams must try a two-point conversion from the third overtime on if they score a touchdown.

The University of Texas, in conjunction with the Entertainment and Sports Programming Network – sometimes known as ESPN, sometimes known as “The Worldwide Leader in Sports,” sometimes known as “Is Chris Berman really showing video highlights of previous Chris Berman ESPN broadcasts?” – earlier this autumn launched the nation’s first cable channel devoted to a single school’s athletics, the Longhorn Network. Alas, the number of people tuning into the Longhorn Network at any given time is roughly equivalent to the number of people purchasing Jay Mariotti’s Kindle ebook, “The System,” at any given time.

In watching NFL Sundays since I was, oh, 7 or 8 years old, I can safely say it has brought more joy to my life than anything other than my current wife, my current dog and my current remission from Irritable Bowel Syndrome. But if my IBS flares up again, I will hold the NFL largely responsible due to the application of two changes this season – the use of replay as an officiating tool on every scoring play and moving kickoffs five yards closer to the goal line.

NBA czar/emperor David Stern has canceled the first two weeks of the regular season – with perhaps the entire season in jeopardy – which means two things: 1. LeBron James will wake up tomorrow and have the same life he had before he woke up today – a few personal problems, no NBA titles.

Abraham Mercado is a place kicker at Morgan State University in Baltimore. He would be a blip on the college football radar, except that he’s Mexican-born, an orthodox Jew and the only white player on the team. Alan Moore is a place kicker at Faulkner University in Montgomery, Ala. He also would be a blip on the college football radar, except that is, uh, 61 years old.

It all started on Nov. 6, 1869: On an inglorious Saturday afternoon in New Brunswick, N.J., Rutgers defeated Princeton, 6-4, in America’s first college football game. On the following Monday, the NCAA placed both schools on probation. (OK, you know I’m kidding – sure, Rutgers is capable of ANYTHING, but Princeton doesn’t cheat.)