Conference Helps Widowed Deal With Their Loss

They come for the stories, to hear how long it’s been for others, how long the grieving can take. People come alone to the Solo Strategies conference each spring.

But they rarely leave feeling that way.

Ten years after the conference for widowed people started as an outreach for displaced homemakers, the annual spring event has become a regional draw for men, women, grieving families and professionals.

A round of social activities Friday and workshops Saturday at Spokane Community College are expected to attract more than 300. The event launches six weeks of support groups and year-round service to those who’ve been touched by death.

“People come to this conference because they want to hear stories. They need to hear that others have walked through this valley and survived,” said Joyce Tucker, a geriatric mental health specialist at Elder Services.

This year, the conference also includes a professional track on how to work with widowed people. The widowed are traditionally invisible, Tucker said, not even rating a box on worksheets, job applications or other paperwork.

In a society that teaches people to jump over the valley of death, replace those they’ve lost and get on with it, organizers see the conference as a safe stopping place.

It’s a place for people to see that their widowhood is a transition, learn ways to move through it, and honor their loss, Tucker said.

She attended the first conference during her social work internship a decade ago. Ironically, by the end of the day, her 46-year-old husband had a fatal heart attack.

She was 33. She attended the next conference for herself and every one after as a professional.

Solo Strategies conference is sponsored by the Community Colleges of Spokane, the Institute for Extended Learning, Spokane Community Mental Health Center, Sacred Heart Medical Center and the Sisters of Providence.

Events include:

A banquet Friday at 5 p.m. followed by opportunities to try journaling, massage, tai chi, line dancing, golf, bridge and bowling and other activities.

“Always Tomorrow,” a keynote address Saturday at 8:45 a.m. by City Councilwoman Phyllis Holmes. A series of concurrent workshops will follow, including ones on children and grief, forgiveness, financial security, the healing energy of music, wellness, dating, living alone and relaxation.

The conference can help friends and family understand what a widowed family member is feeling, why they might remarry quickly, and how even decades after a loss they can still benefit from talking about it.

On a more practical note, it also helps prevent suicides, particularly among men.

Men over 60 post the highest rates of suicide, and men who lose their spouses are 11 times more likely to commit suicide regardless of age, Tucker said.

Tucker, who remarried two years ago, sharply remembers being asked eight years after her loss what was wrong with her since she was still single.

“I don’t think time alone heals. Time scars over,” she said.

“There is no statute of limitations on grieving. If you haven’t grieved your losses, they’re still there.”

Participants hear from others who say they emerged from their loss with a greater appreciation of life, more compassion and a depth of feelings they hadn’t known before. Some older widows have learned life-expanding skills, to drive, take classes and live alone.

“People walk away with hope,” Tucker said. “One participant wrote, ‘If others can survive this, so can I.”’

Another: “It was healing to stand with others and know they understand my pain.”

The Solo Strategies conference begins Friday, with registration at 4:30 p.m. Cost is $10 for widowed persons, $15 for friends or family and $45 for professionals.

For more information, call 484-8636 or 1-800-344-SOLO.