Fighting Fair Clear Rules Of Engagement Key To Resolving Differences
When the cheerleaders at Ferris High School duke it out during summer practice, they don’t slam doors or throw punches. Instead, they gather for a “circle talk,” a technique introduced by their tenacious adviser, Barbie Olson. The process allows each girl a chance to vent while the others listen. The one holding the coveted talk ticket has the floor—no exceptions and no interruptions. The ticket is passed around until the girls are talked out, a solution is found and the debate is resolved.
Olson has taught these 12 young women how to fight fair. They listen, disagree, find common ground, disagree some more, negotiate. It’s a skill that will spill over into their relationships with other friends, families, even future employers. For Olson, a wife and mother of three, being a team player comes naturally. Fighting fair does not. She recalls a sociology course in college that taught techniques of conflict resolution. “For me, it was revolutionary. I had never thought there was a right or a wrong way to fight.” she says. Olson’s parents were “right out front with conflict,” she says, while her husband’s parents dealt with conflict in private. “Craig was alarmed when conflict first started happening in our marriage,” she says. To top it off, neither Barbie nor Craig saw their parents resolve conflict. “We needed to learn how to do that,” she says.
“Kids will model what they see,” says Jean Wolcott, a child therapist specialist with the Community Mental Health Center. “If parents fight fairly, that’s what kids learn.” Wolcott, who has worked with families for 26 years, believes problem resolution is a key teaching tool for children. “Parents didn’t used to speak as openly as they do now. There was an effort not to fight in front of the kids, but the kids didn’t learn anything,” she says.
Fighting fair techniques start when a person acknowledges feelings or needs and shares these constructively, using words such as “I feel worried, angry, sad… when you….” These are then echoed back, with “you say you feel… when I….” Once both sides are heard, negotiations can begin, stating needs like, “What I’d like you to do…” The key is listening and and showing respect.
Even small children can start with the basics, Wolcott says. “A lot of conflict is avoided by allowing a person to ask for what they want,” she says. If, for example, two toddlers are body slamming each other, a parent can intervene with words like, “It looks like you’re wanting something from Sammy. Do you want him to be your friend?”
Wolcott stresses that under no circumstances should physical abuse or violence be allowed. “Stop it. Give them a chance to cool down and time to think it through. It’s fine to be angry. It’s what you do with it that can get you in trouble.”
Unfortunately, Wolcott says, violence is used in many homes as a means of ending conflict. And kids are getting more violent as a result. “I’m seeing more severely disturbed kids… Parents are so dysfunctional. Some parents really don’t know how to keep kids safe or how to set limits.”
Even yelling at a child, or in front of a child, is damaging, says Spokane clinical psychologist Michelle Estelle. Instead of hearing a parent’s message, the child hears the anger and all communication is lost. If communication can’t take place without angry words, Estelle suggests taking five minutes or more to think about what fueled the explosive feelings. Ask questions such as, “What about this situation is setting me off? What needs are not being met here?” Estelle adds it’s crucial to agree on a time to get back together to talk, otherwise, angry feeling will linger and misunderstandings could grow.
Couples often run into differences in coping styles, Estelle says. Stereotypically, women want to deal with cnflict right here, right now. They seem to access their feelings more quickly. Meanwhile, men want to put off discussion because they really don’t know how they feel. The result is a kind of push/pull struggle. Estelle suggests setting a meeting time and place and journaling. For the partner who’s sure of her feelings, writing allows a place to vent and contain her feelings. For the one who is unsure, writing draws feelings, writing allows a place to vent and contain her feelings. For the one who is unsure, writing draws feelings out and helps him articulate what’s going on.
MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: NO LOW BLOWS Psychologist Michelle Estelle brands the following as off-limits: Character assassination: Stick to the issues. Don’t use name calling. Globalization: Avoid terms like “You always …” or “You never …” conflict as an excuse to read your list of grievances for the past several weeks. Handle each issue separately, as it comes up. Grenade throwing: No door slamming, hanging up on the phone, or dropping painful secrets just to get even. Direct communication is more effective and more fair.