Camping: Always A Fun Experience
Like many parents, I approach the family camping trip with undisguised, trembling horror.
Not that a camping trip can’t be a wonderful bonding opportunity for the entire darn family: Pop, Mom, Sis and Biff. However, there are so many things that can go wrong.
In that spirit, I hereby present “Things You Do Not Want to Hear on a Camping Trip.”
“Hi. We’re your neighbors at the next campsite. Got any liquor?” “Wow. That sounds like one big boom box.”
“Does anybody remember how to make a tourniquet?” “Maybe it’s a wasp’s nest. Here, let me poke it with this sti - .”
“Dear? You did remember the toilet paper, didn’t you?” “Wanta go home! Wanta go home!” (shrieked by a 2-year-old at 2 a.m.)
“Hi. We’re your neighbors at the next campsite. Got any ammo?”
“Dad? Mom locked herself in the car and won’t come out.”
“Look, dad! I’ve never seen so many Harley-Davidsons in my life!”
“No, those aren’t the good ones, honey. Those are the poisonous berries. Why do you ask?”
“Drive 48 miles until you hit pavement, then turn left and go eight miles to the highway, then look for the sign that says ‘Emergency Room Entrance.”’
“All right! Someone brought the Metallica CD!”
“Go straight down that path about 100 yards. Don’t worry, you’ll smell it.”
“Hi! We’re your neighbors at the next campsite. You guys aren’t, like, cops, or nothing, are you?”
“I’m positive I packed the diapers. Just keep looking.”
“Dad? Mom locked herself in the car again. It looks like she’s crying.”
“Yeah, the tent’s here. It’s just the poles I can’t find.”
“Hi. We’re you’re neighbors at the next campsite. We’ll be conducting a few militia maneuvers this morning.”
“Dad, come here. Look at this weird puddle underneath the truck.”
“Hi. We’re your neighbors at the next campsite. Got any daughters?”
“Listen up everybody. We have a little problem here with the outhouse.”
“Well, if it won’t dry out, I guess he’ll just have to sleep in it wet again.”
“Well, just keep looking. Car keys don’t just disappear.”
“No, video cameras don’t float. Why do you ask?”
“Listen, you know as much as I do. They said the tow truck would be here two hours ago.”
“You’re right. We definitely had the dog when we came.”
“Where does it hurt? There? Isn’t that about where your appendix is?”
“I suppose we could walk out to the ranger station. It’s only 15 miles.”
“I searched the entire first aid kit. There’s nothing for diarrhea.”
“We’re perfectly safe. We’re just going to stay right here in the van until she and her cubs finish the macaroni and cheese.”
“Hi. We’re your neighbors at the next campsite. I’m pretty sure that Donna, here, is going into labor.”
“I’ll tell you what I think. I think that smell is coming from the dog.”
“This is exactly why I told you not to eat s’mores in your sleeping bag.”
“Well, thank goodness it was only a minor explosion.”
“Honey? Won’t you come out now? You can’t spend three whole days in the car.”
“So I’m not a mushroom expert, OK? But they looked like morels.”
“It’s not like I was trying to catch them on fire. I was only trying to dry them out.”
“Mom! Daddy just threw another empty whiskey bottle into the lake.”
“No way. That yippy little dog can’t bark all night.”
“Dad? Mom just started the car. She wouldn’t leave us out here with no - HEY!”
“Hi. We’re your neighbors from the next campsite. We’d like to tell you about the fine Amway line of products.”
“OK, fine. You win. My exact words were, ‘This will be way more fun than some fancy bed and breakfast.”’
, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Review