Genealogy Can Be A Laughing Matter
The end of summer is fast approaching - and since we want to wring every lovely flower-, sun and water-moment we can from these shortening days and not think about anything “heavy,” how about some genealogy humor for today?
In 1915, the Cabell County, West Virginia Board of Education published a list of Rules for Conduct of Teachers:
1. You will not marry during the term of your contract.
2. You are not to keep company with men.
3. You must be home between the hours of 8 p.m. and 6 a.m. unless attending a school function.
4. You may not loiter downtown in ice cream stores.
5. You may not travel beyond the city limits unless you have the permission of the chairman of the board.
6. You may not ride in a carriage or automobile with any man unless he is your father or brother.
7. You may not smoke cigarettes.
8. You may not dress in bright colors.
9. You may under no circumstances dye your hair.
10. You must wear at least two petticoats.
11. Your dresses must not be any shorter than two inches above the ankle.
12. To keep the schoolroom neat and clean, you must: sweep the floor at least once daily, scrub the floor at least once a week with hot, soapy water; clean the blackboards at least once a day; and start the fire at 7 a.m. so the room will be warm by 8 a.m.
From the Quincy (Ill.) Daily Whig, May 12, 1882, comes this article:
“Shot to Death, a Tragedy In Liberty Township, A Woman in the Case”
We present the facts as reported by the trustworthy citizens of Liberty township, where the killing took place.
It seems that Dan Swartz, a man about 35 years of age, had gotten Mary Malone with child.
Mary’s virtue was frequently called into question by her neighbors - meaning they did not regard her virtue as stalwart or untainted.
Mary Malone had two brothers, John and Taylor, who wanted Dan Swartz to marry her and become the legal, as well as the actual, father of her soon-expected child.
Dan objected.
Dan owned a blacksmith shop in the village, and Joe, his brother, ran a store near by.
On a Wednesday morning, Mary’s brothers, John and Taylor Malone - young men between 23 and 25 years old, who lived about a mile from the Swartzes - went to see Dan to convince him to marry Mary.
However, it seems there was no attempt at convincing. The Malone brothers opened fire on the reluctant Dan with their revolvers as soon as they saw him.
The Swartz brothers - Dan and Joe - responded to the Malones: Dan with a shotgun and Joe with a revolver; both aimed at John. The shot from Joe Schwartz’s gun hit John Malone’s left breast near or in the heart, and Dan’s bullet ended in John’s forehead just above the left eye. The two fatal shots were fired simultaneously.
When John Malone fell, his brother, Taylor, turned and ran as fast as his feet would carry him.
Directly after the killing, Andrew Swartz - brother to the reluctant Dan and Joe - rode to Liberty to have Esquire Buttz hold an inquest into the shooting of John Malone. The killing took place between 10 and 11 in the morning, and the inquest was held that afternoon.
Dan and Joe Swartz posted bail and were ordered to appear at their preliminary examination, but Taylor Malone could not give bail and was held in arrest.
Unfortunately, there’s no final conclusion we can report of this Malone/Swartz melodrama. But, if a reader has a Baby Malone or a Baby Swartz on their family charts who was born in 1882 in Illinois to a mother named Mary, this is the story of that child’s beginning.
Dee Hepworth of Spokane shared this next story with me. Seems the children of a prominent family decided to give their father a book of his family history. They interviewed a biographer to write the book, confiding to him that there was one major family problem - Uncle Willie.
Uncle Willie, they explained, was the black sheep of their father’s family. Uncle Willie, they continued, had been found guilty of murder and was confined to Sing Sing Prison before he ultimately paid the price for his crime in the electric chair.
Feeling greatly challenged, the biographer paused, then said, “I’d simply say that Uncle Willie occupied a chair of applied electronics at one of the nation’s leading institutions; that he was attached to his position by the strongest ties; and that he had a very electrifying personality.”
He was hired on the spot.
Grandchildren are a continuing source of pleasure and funny stories for genealogists, and mine are no exception. While visiting with 4-year old Aleena, the conversation turned to where babies come from. “I was in Mommy’s tummy,” she said. I agreed and added that her daddy was once in my tummy and that someday maybe she would have a baby in her tummy. “And they’ll drive me crazy!” she promptly said with a big smile.
Having lunch with 5-year old Justin, his mom and his great-grandmother (my daughter and her grandmother), my daughter said they might need to trade in their van for a new one next year. Justin paused between bites and, looking surprised, asked, “Does Daddy know about this?”
Three-year old Trevor, upon encountering a round of kiwi fruit for the first time, states his opinion: “It tastes sour wet.”
As Art Linkletter said, kids say the darnedest things. Too bad more moms don’t keep a notebook handy to jot down these pearls of family wisdom.
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