Pro Bowl Should Be Taken To The Dog Pound
It’s a dog game. In the case of Dallas Cowboy Coach Barry Switzer last season, a hot dog game, since he was seen eating one on the sideline.
The electoral procedure stinks. Votes from players, coaches and fans each count one-third, a swell-sounding idea, except players vote for their buddies and the average fan doesn’t know a blocking tackle from a block and tackle.
So why waste time discussing the Pro Bowl?
Because it is the NFL’s only public report card. It is the only validation of observations that have been tossed around barrooms and conference rooms since August.
“See?” one fan says to another on the morning after the announcement. “I told you Joe-Bob Schmoe was having a better year than Do-Rag Doe.”
In professional basketball and baseball, fans can do this every night. Because football is played under a helmet, it happens just once a year. And that’s it.
Or were you among the distressed millions who missed that televised Pro Bowl program on cable Thursday?
During that show, we were tabulating our own all-pro team with the help of league personnel men and coaches - the only two groups who watch enough film to vote on this stuff.
Writers, incidentally, are the biggest electoral stiffs of all. We spot line stunts as often as UFOs. Give writers the vote, and the starting lineup will generally include somebody named Marriott.
Our advice is to cancel the Pro Bowl game because nobody outside of Honolulu cares.
Use the personnel men and coaches to pick not two teams, but one.
Then announce the winners at a nationally televised February banquet. By giving viewers a chance to see their heroes without helmets, the ratings would be tremendous. Why do you think people watch those silly quarterback challenges in the middle of summer, anyway?
Until then … presenting the combined American Football Conference and National Football Conference starting Pro Bowl teams. And the real all-stars.
Offense
Quarterback: Pro Bowl starters: Dan Marino, Miami Dolphins; Brett Favre, Green Bay Packers.
Best: Favre. There can be no argument about the league’s most inspirational and improvisational player.
Running Backs: Starters: Chris Warren, Seattle Seahawks, and Marshall Faulk, Indianapolis Colts; Emmitt Smith, Cowboys and Barry Sanders, Detroit Lions.
Best: Smith and Sanders. Nobody is close. Still.
Wide Receivers: Starters: Carl Pickens, Cincinnati Bengals, and Tim Brown, Oakland Raiders; Jerry Rice, San Francisco 49ers, and Herman Moore, Lions.
Best: Moore and Michael Irvin, Cowboys. Until he stubbed his toe against the Washington Redskins last week, Irvin was having an MVP-type season, making consistently brilliant catches while pushing teammates to the brink.
Tight End: Starters: Ben Coates, New England Patriots; Jay Novacek, Cowboys.
Best: Mark Chmura, Packers. Perfectly suited to Favre’s scattershot style, Chmura’s resume now contains more big plays than his name has consonants.
Tackles: Starters: Richmond Webb, Dolphins, and Bruce Armstrong, Patriots; William Roaf, New Orleans Saints, and Lomas Brown, Lions.
Best: Andy Heck, Chicago Bears, and Gary Zimmerman, Denver Broncos. Heck hasn’t allowed a defender to lay a hand on quarterback Erik Kramer, and Zimmerman is the foundation of the league’s top-ranked offense.
Guards: Starters: Bruce Matthews, Houston Oilers, and Keith Sims, Dolphins; Nate Newton, Cowboys, and Randall McDaniel, Minnesota Vikings
Best: Newton and Dave Szott, Kansas City Chiefs. There are reasons that Chief quarterbacks have been sacked a league-low 14 times and the Kansas City running game is ranked fourth. Szott is a sizable one.
Center: Starters: Dermontti Dawson, Pittsburgh Steelers; Kevin Glover, Detroit Lions.
Best: Glover, who inexplicably is making his first Hawaiian appearance. Apparently the league truly believes Sanders is superhuman.
Defense
Safeties: Starters: Carnell Lake, Steelers, and Steve Atwater, Broncos; Darren Woodson, Cowboys, and Merton Hanks, 49ers.
Best: Hanks and Blaine Bishop of the Oilers. Lake is now a cornerback, Atwater is overrated, and Woodson has faded lately. Who is Bishop? Only the most fearless player on the league’s most fearless defense.
Cornerbacks: Starters: Dale Carter, Chiefs, and Terry McDaniel, Raiders; Aeneas Williams, Arizona Cardinals, and Eric Davis, San Francisco 49ers.
Best: Davis and Carter. They are Deion Sanders without the dance. By the way, where is the neon one?
Outside Linebackers: Starters: Bryce Paup, Buffalo Bills, and Greg Lloyd, Steelers; Ken Harvey, Washington Redskins, and Lee Woodall, 49ers.
Best: Paup and William Thomas, Philadelphia Eagles. Thomas has more interceptions (five)than all but two cornerbacks while serving as the emotional leader of the league’s thirdranked defense.
Inside Linebacker: Starters: Junior Seau, San Diego Chargers; Jessie Tuggle, Atlanta Falcons.
Best: Levon Kirkland, Steelers. Seau survives on image, and Tuggle on reputation, but Kirkland is simply the best run-stopping linebacker in the league.
Ends: Starters: Bruce Smith, Bills, and Neil Smith, Chiefs; Reggie White, Packers, and Charles Haley, Cowboys.
Best: The Smiths, who could get together in the playoffs for a precedent-setting game of kill the quarterback.
Tackles: Starters: Chester McGlockton, Raiders, and Dan Saleaumua, Chiefs; John Randle, Vikings, and Eric Swann, Cardinals.
Best: Saleaumua and Shawn Lee, Chargers. Two reasons the AFC West is football’s toughest division. On a team without Seau, the never-quit Lee would be a superstar.
Punter: Starters: Darren Bennett, Chargers, and Jeff Feagles, Cardinals.
Best: Louis Aguiar, Chiefs. Real men pin the ball inside the 20-yard line, something Aguiar has done a league-leading 26 times.
Kicker: Starters: Jason Elam, Broncos, and Morten Andersen, Falcons.
Best: Norm Johnson, Steelers. The league’s leading scorer has outkicked the other guys with fewer indoor games.
Kick Returners and Guys Like That: Starters: Glyn Milburn, Broncos, and Steve Tasker, Bills; Brian Mitchell, Redskins and Elbert Shelley, Falcons.
Best: Really now. Any nut will do.