Shake It Up ‘Late Night’ Needs A Boost, So Maybe This Top Ten List Will Give Dave Some Ideas

As his tired old late night show slides behind Jay Leno’s, Ted Koppel’s and the Psychic Friends Network’s in the ratings, David Letterman is talking about quitting at the end of his contract and moving the show from New York to Los Angeles in the meantime to attract larger audiences.

Clearly, as should be evident to anyone who has seen his program lately, this is going to help matters about as much as a stupid pet trick.

Here then is a Top Ten List, if you will, of better things Letterman can do to improve his situation.

10. End stupid pet tricks.

There’s a word for stupid pet tricks. It begins with “s” and can be found in the previous sentence.

While these barnyard antics may once have seemed a fresh, bright idea, they passed their peak of appeal long about the time you had the St. Bernard that could jump up and pull live frogs out of its owner’s mouth, or whatever. Even the most marvelous feat - such as David Copperfield’s “Escape From Alcatraz!” - begins to seem moronic and uninteresting after about the thousandth time. Carol Burnett has a cat named Roxie she is training to use hotel room toilets instead of kitty litter boxes. Give her a shot at some tube time, then give this gimmick the hook.

9. Stop doing fun and games with New York taxicab drivers.

Yes, it really is true that New York cab drivers are often oddballs or recently arrived immigrants who can find no other work - just as it’s true with other cities’ cab drivers.

Amazing. For a while, what they have to say is vaguely amusing. For me, that usually lasts about 10 blocks, yet you’re still putting these poor guys on the air with the regularity of car commercials.

Of course, if you move the show to Los Angeles, you’ll find it has only about a half dozen cabs, and that the drivers require you to make appointments with them as you might brain surgeons.

Why don’t you try bus drivers? They aren’t any less funny and won’t cost CBS so much money. Also, I think there are at least a dozen buses in Los Angeles. I recall actually seeing one, sitting at the curb on Beverly Hills’ Burton Way with its diesel engine going for about an hour about 15 feet from where I was eating garlic-laden spaghetti with a failed, alcoholic actress on the terrace of an open air restaurant on a cold night. I enjoyed that experience about 10 times as much as your last New York cab routine.

8. Leave Mujibar and Whatshisbangladeshname in New York.

The same goes for Larry “Bud” Melman.

Especially for Larry “Bud” Melman.

7. Bring back Chris Elliot as a nightly feature.

The star of “Cabin Boy” isn’t really any funnier than you are but at least he looks like he enjoys his work.

6. Keep your mitts off the babes.

You do this thing with good-looking women like Cindy Crawford and Demi Moore where you appear to be in a hot and heavy embrace with them when actually you’re just imprisoning their arms while whispering something into their ears. You remind me of some high school geek surreptitiously trying to get a little from an unsuspecting cheerleader.

5. Get rid of stupid human tricks.

At least the animals are cute and furry.

4. Stop squishing things like vegetables and Coke cans.

I remember putting out objects for railroad trains and highway trucks to squish, just as you keep doing with steam rollers and drill presses.

After about the 10th time, it got boring.

I was 8 years old.

3. Stop humiliating people.

When Stephanie Powers came on your show, you took her shoe, smelled the inside and told her she had a problem. When Claudia Schiffer came on and refused to carry a tray of greasy fast food out into the audience for you, you complained bitterly as though she was some stuck-up snot. When Linda Fiorentino appeared as a guest and actually, in all seriousness, (Mon Dieu!) asked you out on a date, you froze up and treated her like a lady of Times Square. To use your multiplechoice schtick: A) This was rude. B) Are you crazy? C) High school geeks must be terrified by real women.

2. No more Top Ten lists.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but the laughs seem to run out around item No. 7, if they get started at all. Of course, if you get rid of Stupid Human Tricks, that will take care of this problem. They’re the ones who write the Top Ten Lists, right?

1. Switch with Paul.

Trade places with Paul Schaefer of the World’s Most Dangerous Band turned CBS Orchestra. He’s a lot more glib, self-possessed, cool and all-around hip. Also, the band couldn’t sound any worse.

Hmmm.

1A. Don’t wait for the contract to be up.