Men Must Test Waters Of Reality
While men continue to drop out of the work force at earlier ages - fewer than 40 percent of all American men age 55 and over are still salaried job-holders - their wives (and former wives) are toiling longer and later. Consider:
In 1993, almost half of all American women age 55 to 64 were still in the work force, compared to 41 percent 15 years before.
Amazingly, in 1992, almost a third of American women who worked full time earned more than their working spouses, according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics. The percentage is even high among professional women, 42 percent of whom earned more than their male partners in a survey of 4,500 readers by Working Woman magazine.
A man who will not take responsibility for managing his own fears of obsolescence is likely to punish his wife for the fact that he cannot hold on to everything he had. Once this neurotic pattern develops, a man becomes stuck in hostile dependency. His working wife may become increasingly intolerant of his refusal to change to adapt to their new reality. And the couple is doomed to fight about every little thing.
But again, there is an opportunity here to see these realities for what they are and make the most of them. If a man can be secure enough in his intrinsic worth, and if he has a solid working partnership in his marriage, he may be able to relax and enjoy being partially subsidized by his wife’s income while he indulges himself in a full-scale passage. Claiming his earned reward could make the difference between enjoying his Flaming 50s or flaming out.
If men are going to remap their lives for exciting and fruitful Second Adulthoods, they should not wait until something blows - in the body, or in the job, or in bed. They need to begin laying the groundwork early, at least in their 40s, so they have the flexibility to make major occupational changes in their 50s and 60s as conditions call for them.
And there’s a silver lining.
In terms of adult development a man has a much better chance of reviving his zest for life if he is shaken out of the complacency of coasting along in corporate life. Change will awaken his survival instincts, stimulate his brain, and renovate the very habits of thinking and behavior that may be contributing to his premature obsolescence.
As it becomes harder to achieve material success as a result of one’s efforts, and being a good corporate citizen no longer carries the same sense of mission, people are looking elsewhere for meaning and purpose - often to the spiritual realm.
Men in their 40s still have time on their side. Men who reach 50 realize there isn’t a lot of time. But it is the seminal purpose of these columns to convince them that there is a lot more time left than they think. Eventually they may look back upon the Samson Complex, or even the life accident of termination, as the catalyst that forced them to give up their false selves and to see the absolute necessity of shaping a “new self” to take advantage of Second Adulthood. xxxx
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Gail Sheehy Universal Press Syndicate