A Naive Training Experiment Backfires

I figured my experiment had gone bad on that cold Sunday morning when a neighbor jogged by.

“Mm, mm, mm, I don’t like that,” muttered our malamute, sizing up the runner’s foot fall. “There’s a woman who needs orthotics. Do me a favor?” he said over his shoulder to me. “Ring her husband and suggest getting her into orthotics right away.”

(No, the dog doesn’t speak English. I taught him to communicate via an elaborate system of body signals known as “alerts” in advanced dog training circles.)

The malamute’s diagnosis turned out to be correct, but that’s not the point. The point is, no one asked for his opinion. Not being a trained researcher, I hadn’t counted on this experimental backfire.

The next evening the full horror of my predicament struck home when our springer spaniel sat prettily in front of me. I thought she just wanted her chest scratched, but instead of giving me the usual paw poke, a brilliant twinkle flashed in her eye.

“I’ve been thinking about Melville,” she announced, firing signals like a third base coach. “I’ve discovered a serious flaw in `Moby Dick.’ It’s indefensibly anthropocentric, if you want to know, and I’m going to say so in a book review. Can you take dictation?”

I still recall the sound of sweat popping out on my forehead.

After that, my life spun out of control as my dogs began meddling in the affairs of friends, family, everyone around them.

“Oh, oh,” said the malamute one evening, suddenly rousing himself from sleep on the rug. “I’m afraid Jones (another neighbor, not his real name) is considering claiming an exemption that he shouldn’t on his income tax. Better give him a call.”

“Oh, oh,” said the spaniel after a beautiful Japanese luxury car drove past. “That driver’s got a fouled set of spark plugs, Champions, I believe. She’d better switch to NGKs. Can we call her?” (Fortunately, the driver was a stranger.)

“Oh, oh,” said the malamute early in the last congressional election. “Foley’s making a mistake. Get him on the line.”

It’s been like that for months now. Neighbors cross the street when they see my know-it-all dogs and me coming. Not only that, more and more I seem to get only answering machines when I call friends.

My mistake was innocent enough. Anyone could have made it, which is why I offer this cautionary tale.

Somewhere I read that a dog’s capacity to respond to physical conditioning is nearly unlimited, thanks to its genetic inheritance from the wolf. Then I reflected on the phenomenal perceptive powers of dogs - their ability to hear “silent” whistles and notice the “hidden” signs of epileptic seizures and earthquakes coming on.

Putting two and two together, I wondered: What else could you train dogs to notice? And: Could their powers of observation be on a par with their physical prowess?

I imagined dogs in hospitals, dogs in the courtroom. What if they could chase off CAT scans and replace lie detectors?

Then, it’s true, my thoughts took an entrepreneurial turn. Could a dog be taught to analyze the stock market? Predict global weather trends - and commodity prices? Could a dog handicap a horse race or tell if a pitcher was about to throw a curve or fastball?

A training book devoted to the subject would make its author richer than Midas. If it’s OK for the former governors of New York and Texas to peddle corn chips on TV during Super Bowl Sunday, I reasoned, why shouldn’t a poor dog writer be able to pick up some spare change by cashing in on a hunch?

My dogs and I went to work. Soon enough, I learned that my instincts had been accurate. A dog can be taught to notice anything.

What I didn’t know is that once a dog’s critical faculties are engaged, you can’t control them. After 10,000 years of submitting to human whims, dogs apparently have developed an agenda of their own, the cornerstone of which seems to be to straighten out human affairs for the innocent amusement of it.

It’s too late for me. I’m writing this to help you save yourself. Let sleeping dogs lie, and whatever you do …

HEY! Get your paws off that keyboar?? reck jamik biml 3rd …

xxxx