Denial Won’t Make Racism Disappear

“The truth will make you free, but first it will make you miserable.”

Jennifer: Would you touch on racism, etc.? I grew up in Indiana in the 1930s and realize my personality (partially at least) is poisoned by racism. - Dan

Dear Dan: Many philosophers believe that if you become “enlightened” on even the last day of your life, your life will have been worthwhile. The fact that you now realize that racism is poison gives you an opportunity to do more to stop it in the next generation.

The difficulty with racism and the current attempts to eliminate affirmative action policies is the pain of those who, unlike you, refuse selfknowledge and prefer denial. If they admit to how necessary affirmative action still is, they are admitting to dishonorable behavior, not just in the past but in the present. - Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: I find that my greatest weakness as a liberal is my open mind. I feel scattered and vulnerable to conservatives who all seem to be totally focused and determined that competition will make them masters over anyone who does not share their narrow point of view. - Roy

Dear Roy: History is on the side of the moderates. Cultural balances change, some problems are solved, others created, but ultimately the “dance of life” is the same, two steps forward and one step back. The step back is just a time to sort things out and temper the extremes.

Closed minds are arrogant because they believe they are right when they are rigid. Open minds can be confused because they see so many more possibilities. Conservatives tend to be cranky because they know there is something missing in their character. They don’t really like the messiness of democracy, they want control. Liberals have a good time because they can deny reality and still like themselves. It’s the moderates, who can see both sides, who will take the path to the future that includes all Americans. - Jennifer

Dear Jennifer: Last year, after 30 years of marriage, my husband and I divorced leaving two families and friends in disbelief and denial. Our two adult children and their spouses hoped it was the result of my exhusband’s mid-life crisis and would correct itself; it hasn’t.

My side of the family has been deeply hurt by a man who they treated as a brother and who has not talked to them since the divorce. His side of the family refuses to acknowledge what has happened. How can I keep a healthy intergenerational contact with both families? Thank you, Helene

Dear Helene: I would suggest a five-year plan. Let everyone know that you think both sides of the family are important but everyone needs some recovery time. Year one is for grief, anger, blame, justice and guilt. People can tell their stories. Your exhusband can get through his mid-life crisis and pretend that he is starting over.

Year two is for brief but civil discussions of family problems that need attention. It is as if you are acquaintances in a family business. Your ex-husband will realize a “new life” does not mean that none of you ever existed. There may be new “significant others” in both your lives.

Year three is for shared civil occasions if they can wait that long (births, birthdays, weddings, graduations, funerals, etc.) Both sides of the family are invited and they are uncomfortable but they carry through.

Year four is a safe time to share Christmas, Thanksgiving or any other special occasion even if there is some awkwardness. New people, significant others and their children need to be included without fear of disloyalty. By then you may be over your grief and your husband will have reached some sense of balance between his past and future.

Year five should almost feel normal whether either of you has remarried or not. If you have been able to forgive your ex- husband, and face your own part in the divorce, you will be able to be friends of a sort. You have shared 30 years and two children, you cannot drop that into a black hole.

The children, because they are adults, may mend fences on their own but most of the adults of both families will follow you and your exhusband’s lead. Much depends on the quality of the original relationships. If it was just a “show” not a real family, then the show is over.

Many “re-constituted” families do fine and are pleased that there hearts were open enough to allow for change. Other families see everything as a loyalty contest and split forever. It is very difficult to forgive, it is easier to forget and move on. Only you know what you can do. -Jennifer

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review