Bottom Lines Columnist Jim Kershner’s Take On The News

Gramm makes it official

Sen. Phil Gramm became the first Republican to enter the 1996 presidential race. The shy, retiring Gramm also went ahead and announced for the years 2000, 2004, and 2008.

There’s just something about that state …

In an unrelated development, Gramm announced that he is moving to New Hampshire.

Did that price include dessert?

Gramm raised a record-breaking $4.1 million in a $1,000-a-plate banquet in Dallas. He told the banquet-goers that he would fight for the interests of people just like them, America’s little people.

There’s always somebody a little more conservative

Now that Dan Quayle has dropped out, Gramm is the most conservative of the Republican hopefuls, or at least the most conservative who isn’t clinically insane.

We hope we’re joking about this

Bill Clinton was in Ottawa this week, speaking in favor of a united Canada. If Canada splits apart like Yugoslavia, Clinton will be in the unpleasant position of having to call in U.N. air strikes against Montreal.

Bravery in the face of enemy fire

The Dow Jones advanced boldly across the 4,000 level on Thursday, in spite of savage mortar attacks and small arms fire.

How the Dow affects you

Why is this Dow Jones rally significant to us average (broke) Americans? Because people who can afford to have lots of stocks are now making so much money that maybe they’ll just give us some of it.

Let’s end this strike

I’m sorry, the replacement players just aren’t the same. I want the Kaiser workers back.

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