So-Called Nerds May Be Heroes In The Future

‘Kindness is love, but perhaps greater than love. Kindness is good will. Kindness comes very close to the benevolence of God.” - Randolph Ray, author

Dear Jennifer,

As a nerd who’s begun improving his social skills over the past few years, I’d like to offer my thoughts.

For non-nerds, social skills seem like second nature so nerds get a lot of undeserved flak. Here are some tips for dealing with nerds.

If a nerd asks sincere questions, give straightforward answers. Don’t ask them, “Why do you think they were offended?” If you want a nerd to open the window, say “Please open the window.” Don’t say, “It’s hot” and then throw a hissy fit when the nerd assumes that you’re merely making small talk.

Nerds tend not to notice that other people are angry unless the other people reach the yelling stage. Tangible behavior can be seen; people’s inner feeling can’t. Two good books: “That’s Not What I Meant!” by Tannen, and “Helping the Child Who Doesn’t Fit” by Nowicki and Duke.

Alan

Dear Alan,

I would have printed your whole letter if this column were longer. I think your advice fits many people who do not put themselves in the “nerd” category.

I checked my Oxford Dictionary and “nerd” needs to be redefined. “An insignificant or foolish person, a person who is boringly conventional or studious.” The American Heritage Dictionary gets closer: “A person who is single-minded or accomplished in scientific pursuits but is felt to be socially inept.”

The nerd issue raises two interests of mine. One is the negative labeling of people who may be far more adapted to our modern world than those who label them. The other is the tremendous tension many of us live with because of a lack of awareness of others or the inability to communicate even when we know what is happening.

I work with many education executives, teachers and school board members in North America and most of them are coming to the conclusion that they cannot educate the citizens and workers of the future if their students have to walk through halls dominated by the heroes of the past.

These school leaders want to move all contact and combat sports out of schools and into the community. They still believe in athletics and teamwork (within the school) but they want to end the “jock” hero model and eliminate cheerleaders, pep assemblies and the sports worship that creates some part of the “nerd” label.

They tell me they want recognition for the skills of the future, an antidote to the continued emphasis on hunting-and-gathering activities that leads to boys attacking each other and their female classmates. The violent or dominant male model is so out of date as to make the nerd infinitely preferable, however socially inept he or she may seem.

Parents will be much better off in the new work world if they can help their “jocks” be “nerds” than if they can turn their “nerds” into “jocks.” But these labels are only stereotypes. It should be possible to be the best of both.

The issue of inability to sense the needs of others or difficulty in communicating is hardly a nerd problem. You may be the exact opposite of a nerd and still not know what people are telling you until they walk out and let the door slam behind them. Some people are self-centered, some are dense, some don’t care and some use physical dominance rather than communication; it’s called battering.

We all need to learn to be more direct. There are so many examples in all our lives of people who, because they cannot negotiate, make up things to fit their own emotions. Those nuances of twitching secretly instead of negotiating directly come from very old submission patterns. A woman who was too direct might get hit, a physically weak male who was direct might be pushed around. The divisions of gender, class, wealth and race were also communication divisions.

Many of us have learned too well not to say what we mean because of fear, as much as lack of awareness or experience. We’ll be glad to send a “communication package” to anyone who writes and we’ll include your ideas. The two books you recommend are both excellent. Thank you for writing.

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review