Cheap Seats

To be eligible, or not to be eligible

Here’s a bulletin: The Dallas Morning News reports that academically deficient basketball players are getting into NCAA Division I schools with degrees from questionable junior college programs.

Right. Next they’ll suggest the earth is round.

The newspaper says potential NCAA violations involved athletes at Arkansas, Kansas State, Murray State and LSU. It cited the case of LSU’s Glover Jackson, who received credit for his associate’s degree at Independence JC for acting in a play holding a spear and saying the single line, “Hark, who goes there?” So, if he recited all four words right, it was worth an A. Three words, a B….

Buck, naked New York Yankees manager Buck Showalter did not look like a stereotypical slovenly, tobacco-chewing major-league manager when he arrived for a news conference at the All-Star Game resplendent in a natty suit.

“He looks like a professor of accounting from the University of Kansas, which gives me some sense of uneasiness,” A.L. president Gene Budig remarked.

Showalter wasn’t laughing, at least not with his heavily favored Yankees having disappointed trigger-happy owner George Steinbrenner.

“There’s a chance I may be teaching accounting here shortly,” the manager cracked.

Hey, Buck. Account for the fact that the Yankees are seven games under .500.

Mr. Congeniality

After shooting 66 in the third round of the Western Open, Bill Glasson complained about having too many “muni lies.” When reporters requested to talk to him, he said, “I’d like you to move the hell out of the way,” before bolting to the clubhouse.

The next day, he demanded an audience with one reporter and said he never used the word “hell.”

Glasson wanted to clarify that he had really said, “*#%@!&#@.”

You get what you pay for

Stop stewing about greedy ballplayers for a minute and turn your ire to greedy retailers. Baseballs autographed by Cal Ripken or other baseball greats past and present could run you up to $79.95 - and the New York Times has provided a typical price breakdown: Cost of baseball, $6.50; player’s royalty, $20; Players Association licensing fee, $2.50; nameplate, holder and authentication papers, $2; wholesaler’s markup, $14, and retailer’s markup, $34.95.

The looniness of the long-distance runner

While Lawrence Tomkinson, a supervisor for the Michigan Department of Correction, was thrilled to be the first person randomly selected to run in next year’s 100th Boston Marathon, his wife had a more muted reaction: “Too bad you didn’t win the Michigan Lotto,” she said.

Replied Tomkinson, “I wouldn’t trade this for the Michigan Lotto in a million years.”

The last word …

“I’ve long suspected that Danny Ainge had sex only once a year, on New Year’s Eve.”

- Danny Schayes, Phoenix center, upon learning each of Ainge’s five children were born in September or October

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo