Everyone Should Grieve For Girl, Group Says Unitarians Express Concerns About Family Violence

Rachel Carver’s is not a discreet murder for the police to solve and the justice system to process.

Last week’s killing of a 9-year-old Spokane girl, allegedly by the uncle she lived with, speaks to everyone, and everyone should grieve, visiting Unitarians said Sunday.

Unitarian Universalists Acting to Stop Violence Against Women convened a special session Sunday night at the SheratonSpokane Hotel for members to vent concerns and explore reactions to the murder.

Their frustration over the death of Rachel - a girl they never knew who lived thousands of miles away from most Unitarians attending the church’s six-day national convention here - indicates the pervasiveness of family violence, they said. Her death should rivet everyone to the abuse of women and children.

“It says that we’re all carrying a fear of domestic violence with us. The grief that people close to Rachel are feeling is very private, but the larger issues are very public,” said Nicolette Toussaint, a member of the anti-violence group.

Society has not permitted women and children to have a right to safety in their own homes and bodies, members said. We’ve come to accept violence, competition and destruction as the norm in television and in life, just as Rachel may have accepted abuse as the norm in her home, they said.

Committee members discussed ways to raise public awareness of violence against women and children - a move they say is the only way to end abuse. They advocate consciousness-raising throughout society, from the battered and batterers to the media and justice system.

Children need not remain defenseless victims, they said. If they learn strategies for escaping violent situations, the violence might not escalate to murder, said Margi McCue, another group member.

She said children must learn to identify egalitarian relationships and gender stereotyping - a tall order given that 9-year-old Rachel probably couldn’t even pronounce those words, let alone deconstruct their societal meanings.

McCue has developed a puppet show video, “No Punching Judy,” to help children become aware of those nebulous issues. The Portland Public School District chose the show as part of a violence-prevention campaign.

Had Rachel been privy to the video, she might have been swimming at the local pool right now during her first week of summer vacation, McCue said.

“What Rachel could have learned is that other people were there for her to talk to. She could have learned to dial 911. She could have learned it’s OK to hide or run away. Maybe she would have gotten some validation that she didn’t deserve to be hurt.”

The group also emphasizes educating the batterer. Men must identify and reject societal messages to be competitive and powerful; the abusive man must admit that these messages have made him dangerous, they said.

“It’s a matter of reaching that person and making him understand that he owns his violence. He must admit that he is violent,” said Antonio Ramirez, director of San Francisco ManAlive, a counseling center for abusive men.

“Talking to women is like preaching to the choir. Violence will stop only when the whole community gets together and says, ‘There is no excuse for what happened to her,”’ said Ramirez, who works with convicted abusers and men who come to him voluntarily.

Religious organizations must take the helm in raising public consciousness about violence against women and children, Toussaint said.

“We as a society lack a mechanism for advocating issues of public interest when there’s no profit. Churches can provide that mechanism,” Toussaint said.

Ramirez was less hopeful that violence against women and children will end. He has worked with too many men and seen too many people turn a blind eye to violence.

“I’m afraid that in all reality, Rachel will be forgotten and that no one will have learned much from this. That’s why her death is so pathetic,” Ramirez said.

, DataTimes MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: SERVICE A public memorial service for Rachel Carver will be held Tuesday at 7 p.m. in the Shadle Park High School auditorium. A private service is scheduled at 3 p.m. the same day at North Central High School.