In The Middle A Generation Of Individuals Is Caring For Both Their Children And Their Parents

At 56, Barbara Thompson isn’t relishing retirement like she’d dreamed. Instead, she and her husband, John, have joined the ranks of Americans belonging to the Sandwich Generation: individuals caring for an ailing parent and children simultaneously. The Thompsons care for her 86-year-old diabetic father and an 18-year-old son. Another son, 32 years old, is in and out of alcohol treatment and although she knows he’s responsible for his own life, she grieves for him daily. Thompson’s pain is punctuated by the loss of her mother, who died just days after doctors diagnosed her pneumonia.

“This is a total reversal of how we envisioned it would be,” says Thompson. “Nobody prepares you for raising kids or caring for a parent who’s more like a child. I feel like I inherited a very large toddler.”

Carol Abaya, publisher of the New Jersey-based quarterly The Sandwich Generation, says Thompson’s situation is far from unique. “There are 30 million Americans over 65 and the fastest growing segment of the population is 85 plus,” she says. “For every person over 85, there’s potentially a sandwich generation.” Subscriptions to Abaya’s magazine, nearly 50,000 strong, show an escalating need for information. “Twelve percent of working women have had to leave their jobs or will in the next five years to care for their parents,” she says.

For Colleen King, a 34-year-old Spokane mother of three, caring for her 76-year-old father while her mother is in a nursing home meant turning down a full-time job and entering a new phase of life, without a blueprint. “My peers aren’t doing this,” she says. “Most of my friends are out working, raising their kids, doing their own thing. I do wonder how this is going to affect my retirement.”

For many caregivers, guilt is a most unwelcome and frequent visitor. Spokane’s Marcia Gallucci continually ponders her decision to place her Alzheimer’s-stricken mother in a nursing facility rather than bringing her home. Add to that the frustrations of not meeting the perceived needs of friends and family, including a high-school age daughter. At least, Gallucci says, she’s not alone.

“I was at a funeral the other day and almost every one of us there was in a similar situation,” she says. Some are handling it more successfully than others. “I’ve seen marriages fall apart and children get bitter. They want their parents’ attention.”

Seeking help from other family members, friends or support services isn’t easy. Yet it’s a hurdle caregivers must get over in order to survive or maintain a sense of self. “There is a limited amount of energy inside each of us, and when we use it up, it doesn’t just spring back into our bodies because we need more the next day,” writes Paula C. Lowe in “CarePooling: How to Get the Help You Need to Care for the Ones You Love” (Berrett-Koehler, $14.95). “The truth is that if we see ourselves as the only ones who can give, give, give, at some point our giving will be gone.”

A growing number of agencies are reaching out to Sandwich Generationers, although few groups are exclusively geared to multigenerational caregivers. Gallucci found relief through an Alzheimer’s support group. She also recommends Lutheran Social Services’ caregivers education and support (for information, call Meredith Scott at 747-8224). Volunteer Chore (328-8400), sponsored by Catholic Family Service and Washington State Department of Social and Health Services, offers light housekeeping, respite care and other practical help for at-risk elders. Several local nursing services offer home health care on a full-time or part-time basis.

The loss of independence, financial and legal headaches and other changes are hard to take, but the hardest part, Gallucci says, is watching a parent deteriorate before your eyes. “My mom was an excellent gourmet cook and she can no longer put dinner on the table.”

Thompson agrees. “When Mom died, my dad’s life came to an end. They were married 60 years. I just want to make his life worthwhile.” It is a blessing, she says, to see the generations pulling together. Both her sons spend time with their grandfather, helping him shave and do other tasks.

And, King says her burdens are nothing compared to the losses her father has endured. “My parents have been married 47 years. They used to see each other every day. He’s going through enough,” she says. “I chose this. I don’t feel burdened by it. I want to look back and not remember all the things I gave up, but look at the things I got in return. The things you can’t replace. No amount of money can buy this time with Dad.”