It’s Everything You’d Never Want To See
Sand, tattoos, mutant kangaroos, a customized tank with treads that clank, muzzle flashes, automotive crashes, flying bodies, falling bodies, hard bodies, nearly naked bodies, leers, sneers, cans of beer, rock ‘n’ roll, rat-a-tat, broken glass, explosive blasts, yips, yawps, yelps, yaps, sadistic acts, burr-cut hair, Madonnawear, brazen taunting, wicked gloating, cartoon snippets a-a-nd Cole Porter. (Cole Porter? Yes!)
Now. Read through the above again, really fast. And again. Faster. C’mon. I know you can do it. Whip your eyes over all that verbiage. Make the words blur into one great big long word: sandtattoosmutantkangaroos … etc. Now. You’ve got an idea of what it’s like to experience “Tank Girl,” the first movie to have been edited in a blender. Or at least that’s the way it seems. Load in the footage, snap on the cap, hit “Puree” and voila! You’ve got … hash.
“Tank Girl,” a celebration of the exploits of a punk-rockin’, postapocalyptic, post-feminist heroine, is a piece of grungy-looking, hyperactive trash. With its spastic cutting and heavy-metal soundtrack, it’s like the longest, most revved-up music video you’d never want to see. The Revenge of MTV, playing at a ‘plex near you.
It’s based on a cult comic book from Britain. It’s set in 2033, when a comet strike has turned dear old Mother Earth into a dried-out crone. It’s a future where the inhabitants of a parched world are scrapping over scarce water in ripped rags that look like the remnants of an explosion in a secondhand clothing store. It’s “Dune” meets Mad Max’s bratty twentysomething daughter.
The scruffed-up heroine is played by Lori Petty (“Free Willy”) in combat boots, shredded fishnet hose, violated T-shirts and a scalp shaved to stubble, except in the odd places from which dreadlocks sprout. The character is all about At-ti-tude, you understand. Laughs in the face of danger. Tells tormentors to get stuffed (only she puts it less delicately). Kicks butt. Takes names. Laughs a laugh that sometimes sounds like a yip. And other times like a yelp.
Rides around the post-apocalyptic wasteland in a tank accessorized with lawn furniture, a sundeck and decorative statuary. She’s hip, she’s hot, she’s rather a pain in the postapocalyptic posterior. Pain, in fact, is big part of her karma. She’s always either feeling it or dealing it. And, she assures us, she likes it.
Director Rachel Talalay (“Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare”) and writer Tedi Sarafian give her a lot to like. If she’s not being nearly drowned in a confining pipe, she’s being slowly frozen in a deep freezer. Or being worked to death in a mine. Or being belted around by lust-crazed bad guys. Her chief tormentor is a sneering sadist played by Malcolm McDowell.
Ever wondered what happened to “A Clockwork Orange’s” Little Alex after he grew up? Wonder no more. He became the heartless head of the future’s Water and Power Co. You know, the outfit that controls all the water and therefore has all the power on poor old Planet Earth. What chance does one mouthy heroine have of defeating such a powerful man? A pretty good one, as it happens. At-ti-tude will take you far. Allies such as a jet-driving pal named (natch) Jet Girl (Naomi Watts) and a band of mutant kangaroos named Rippers (Ice-T plays Ripper-in-Chief) will take you farther still.
All this, and Cole Porter too. The beloved tunesmith is swept into “Tank Girl’s” blenderized story line in a scene where Petty and an army of Rockette wannabes high-kick their way across a bordello stage to a thrash-metal version “Let’s Do It.” Porter can thank his stars he’s dead. If he weren’t, the sight of that little musical interlude would kill him.
xxxx “Tank Girl” Location: Lincoln Heights, North Division and Coeur d’Alene cinemas. Director: Rachel Talalay Cast: Lori Petty, Malcolm McDowell, Naomi Watts and Ice-T Running time: 1:04 Rating: R