Making The Best Of It Her Storybook Life Collapsed, But Connie Hardan Found Strength To Endure And Grow

February of my 41st year was the darkest month of my life.

My husband of 20 years announced he wanted a divorce just a week and a half before I was scheduled to have major surgery.

I lost my health, my marriage and my new brick home near Deer Park all in one week. I had no job skills, no college training. I’d stayed home to raise three children, farm and bake bread. I believed my future would be graduations, weddings and grandchildren.

But my husband had a 20-year-old girlfriend. He was a senior vice president of a mortgage company. After years of a comfortable lifestyle, I now was forced to live on the $500 he was willing to pay me each month - until the divorce was final.

My teenage children chose to finish school with their friends in Deer Park, so when I moved to Spokane to be closer to my doctors, I was suddenly all alone.

Every night for a year I would pray when I went to bed that I wouldn’t wake up. Every morning when I woke up, I cried. My only brother died during that time, too.

I never actively tried to take my own life, but I didn’t want to live. I rarely got out of bed.

Finally, at the end of that year, I realized I might as well get up. Since God hadn’t answered my prayers, I decided I must be here for a reason.

I enrolled in the community colleges program for displaced homemakers. I realized that soon the divorce would be final, and the maintenance checks would end. I had to find a way to support myself.

I decided to study liberal arts/ communications at Spokane Community College.

Attending school was an ordeal.

I suffer with chronic fibromyalgia. Pain is the primary symptom. It’s like having the flu every day of your life. Some days, it’s severe. Other days, it’s only an ache.

This disease causes short-term memory loss. In school, I had to go over my notes many times a day to remember anything. I reread each chapter in my textbooks as many as six times.

I carried piles of books across campus all day long, and my arms soon gave out. My doctor gave me cortisone injections in my shoulders as well as my elbows, which helped. When too many of my joints became sore, he gave the injections in my hip.

The pain of fibromyalgia disrupted my sleep. I survived on as little as three hours of sleep per night. Still, I was determined to get through each day.

As I got to know my fellow students, I discovered that many of them were struggling through difficult transitions. Many had been divorced or were victims of abuse.

Another student and I co-founded a support group called Share Our Search. We also published a pamphlet for all students who enrolled in school that fall quarter.

It was a busy quarter. Christmas was approaching and our new support group decided to distribute toys for children. We put up a huge Tree of Sharing in the student lounge, and students, faculty, staff, and even the president of the college got involved.

The project created a bond that we all shared that Christmas. It was a wonderful feeling. We collected 130 toys.

That quarter, along with organizing the Tree of Sharing, I carried 21 credits and was stage manager of the Drama Club play. I wound up in the hospital for four days with exhaustion, dehydration and weight loss, but it was worth it. The Tree of Sharing was recognized as the “Event of the Year” by the Spokane Community College Advisory Council.

I finished my A.A. degree with honors. I wanted to earn a bachelor’s degree, but I needed a job. The divorce was final. I’ve been working 40 hours a week since, first at a collection agency, later at a funeral home, then a weight loss clinic. Now I’m a secretary for a construction company.

Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays are my best days. Thursdays and Fridays are harder as I steadily get more tired during the week.

But I maintain my schedule, despite the headaches and loss of balance I now experience with fibromyalgia.

At one point, my doctor told me I’d need a wheelchair and a back brace. But this disease has periods of remission and exacerbation. When I started to feel better, I began exercising.

I went to a video store and asked for the lowest-impact aerobic tape they had.

The first day I struggled simply to perform each exercise once. But each day, I forced myself to try it again. Slowly I began adding a few repetitions.

Now I perform each exercise 100 to 200 times. It never gets easier. But I know I can’t function without it.

I began teaching a muscle-stretching program for other women with fibromyalgia. They come to my home and I lead them through my exercises.

I’ve also begun to lead the Northwest Spokane Fibromyalgia Support Group, an organization that provides an upbeat and loving atmosphere for others who have this disease. It helps all of us to know we are not alone.

Last month I called my ex-husband and told him I forgive him. I have forgiven myself, too, for whatever part I played in our marriage ending. I discovered that holding on to anger isn’t worth it. That old baggage just pulls you down.

I recently turned 50. I now realize that my experiences have made me a stronger person. I’ve met wonderful people and I’ve been able to do some traveling. I’ve discovered that even after tremendous loss, I’m still OK.

My message to other women is this: Don’t ever give up. No matter how dark it gets, the clouds will spread, and someday you’ll be out in the sunshine again.

MEMO: Have you faced a recent challenge that could become a first-person “One Woman’s Story” or a “One Man’s Story”? Write: Women & Men, Features Department, The Spokesman-Review, P.O. Box 2160, Spokane, WA 99210.

The following fields overflowed: BYLINE = Connie M. Hardan Special to Women & Men Jamie Tobias Neely helped with the writing of this story.