Anger Often A Reaction To Our Fears
Dear Jennifer: Would you please address the issue of anger, especially women and anger? A dear friend and I disagree on the subject. I feel that anger is legitimate feeling and to suppress it is not healthy. My friend says when she gets angry she begins to feel physically ill. Also, include books on anger.
Sincerely, Louise
Dear Louise: Two good books are “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner, and “Caring Enough to Confront” by David Augsberger.
Some cultures love yelling at each other and don’t take it seriously; they blow up and recover quickly. Other cultures speak politely through tight lips and suppress rage until it becomes uncontrollable and then they leave, attack verbally or attack physically. These people find it hard to recover and hard to forgive. Anger is feeling, it is legitimate emotion, but how you choose to release it is the key. You must respect the needs of the others involved. Make sure you know what you are truly angry about, because it is usually not what you think.
Anger is often fear. Reveal your anger in direct but non-threatening language and ask for help in resolving the problem. If you cannot get resolution from the object of your anger then pound pillows or exercise until your mind clears.
Those who blow up quickly tend to devastate others emotionally; those who repress tend to devastate themselves. The answer is somewhere in the middle.
- Jennifer
Hello Jennifer: I am an avid reader of yours. When I go through difficult times in my life I turn to your books as a source of comfort. I went through a deep depression this spring and when I was finally finding my way out, I was raped by a friend of my best friend. My best friend believed the guy and my boyfriend has recently decided he wants his freedom.
I am very lonely and I don’t feel connected to anyone. I would like to get into a support group. I read in your book, “Women and the Blues,” about the friendship group that you belong to. Where did you find this wonderful group? I don’t want just a rape group. Once you are out of school, if your career is fairly solitary, finding new friends is very difficult. That’s why your friendship support group sounded so wonderful. Do you have any suggestions?
- Nancy
Dear Nancy: Friendship does seem harder to come by these days. We are busy and the old friendship-creating structures (neighborhood, church, school, work) don’t work as well as they once did because we are so mobile and so tired.
Many people write to me about this and I have some columns and other materials on building friendships that I will send you. The package includes information on how to form a friendship group.
My group of six women has been meeting more than 20 years. I am fortunate because when we started I had no idea that it would become like family. You can neglect it, fight with it, but it’s still there when you need help. I didn’t start the group; I was just invited to be part of it when I was a new professor at the University of Washington.
The newer ways to build friendships are common interests like hobbies, activities or politics, but your neighborhood is still a good source. There is nothing nicer than being able to walk next door and be offered a cup of coffee and a chat. Look around and decide where to extend yourself. Age, education, ethnicity, marital status and eccentricity should make no difference.
Building friendships is a slow, gentle process of saying hello, remembering names, offering a hand, being available and sharing activities and experiences. Don’t tell your life story, let it turn up a bit at a time. Don’t offer intimacy or require it, let it arrive as trust builds. Don’t expect much or demand anything, let friendship offer itself. Do create informal ways to share common interests or just take a walk.
Friendship is not easy. When I moved into my new neighborhood four years ago I knew no one. Some of the people I asked for coffee or a walk turned me down, they were just too busy or disinterested. I turned down a few invitations for the same reasons.
It took time, but I made some wonderful new friends where I least expected it, like the couple we bought our house from and our neighbors. But I had to work at it just like anyone else.
- Jennifer
The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Jennifer James The Spokesman-Review