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Crying in his beer

The actor who portrays Johnny, the “I love you, man,” conniver in commercials for Bud Light, is Rob Fitzgerald, who played cornerback for the University of Missouri in the mid-1970s. Fitzgerald made a cameo appearance on Tigers coach Larry Smith’s TV show earlier this fall and uttered his immortal line.

Sorry, Larry, you’re still not getting my alumni donation.

The word from the Bird

Lou Holtz does it. Rick Pitino does it. Pat Riley does it. Why not Larry Bird?

What they do is knock down big bucks on the motivational seminar circuit, sharing the “secrets” of their success with business people.

Bird recently appeared at Success1995, which drew more than 12,000 people into Boston’s new FleetCenter. The cheapest ticket for the all-day rah-rah fest was $54 - all so you could hear gymnast Mary Lou Retton encourage you to “seize the moment.”

Bird was interviewed by Peter Lowe, whose talk was called “How to Get Along in a Get-By World,” but whose real genius is putting on seminars that motivate 12,000 people into shelling out their money for empty advice.

“You were always motivated as a player,” Lowe said. “How do you increase your motivation now.”

Bird just smiled.

“I’m trying to get rid of it,” he said. “I don’t need it anymore.”

The air upstairs

Kicking against the Raiders earlier this season, the Bengals’ Doug Pelfrey complained to an official that the footballs were not inflated to the regulation 13 pounds.

According to Pelfrey, the official replied, “What do I look like, a physicist?”

No, pal, a gas-station attendant.

Fire Sale University?

Florida State is scrambling to replace about $300,000 in football equipment that burned up last weekend.

A truck carrying the team’s equipment from Chapel Hill, N.C., caught fire and destroyed nearly all of its contents. Equipment included 275 jerseys, 200 pairs of garnet pants, nearly 400 pairs of shoes, 85 helmets, video equipment and warmup jackets. Shoulder pads that were salvaged must be certified for safety.

The team can’t replace the garnet pants it wore in a 28-12 win over North Carolina. They were donated by actor and former Seminole Burt Reynolds.

No problem - just call up Foot Locker. They always have free gear for the Seminoles.

Say it ain’t so, Stu

There is no joy in Cooperstown. A committee that oversees Doubleday Field has decided the New York home of the Baseball Hall of Fame isn’t a fitting place for a minor-league team.

“This really is not a baseball town, per se,” said committee chairman Stuart Taugher.

The last word …

“The Rockies are already having a great off-season. Tommy Lasorda was retained for another year.”

- Bob Kravitz, Rocky Mountain News

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo