Let Children Take On Responsibility

A few days ago, I received a news release from the M&M/Mars Company announcing the “Kudos” Working Mother of the Year Awards. “Working mother,” the release was careful to specify, included any and all mothers really, since whether employed outside the home or stay-at-home, “all mothers .. are indeed ‘working mothers.”’

Entrants must describe in 500 words or less how they meet the demands of their busy lives while “maintaining that special quality that makes it all worthwhile.” A company spokesperson was quoted as saying, “All of us know that mothers rarely get the credit they deserve.” Therefore, these awards (cash, vacations, jewelry), recognizing outstanding feats in the female parenting department.

Featured were parenting tips from previous winners, including “Homework should be done at a time when an adult can supervise and offer help” and “Encourage everyone to accept a certain amount of responsiblity for themselves.” That those were juxtaposed was ironic, I thought. And children are to accept only a “certain amount” of responsibility for themselves? I take it every truly good mother knows she is to be the primary bearer of responsibility for everyone. To tell the truth, the whole idea behind these awards just irritated me to no end.

First, the not-so-subtle implication throughout was that the more energy one expends in the service of children, the better a mother one is. I think it’s safe to say that a woman who writes, “I expect my children to do their own homework, find their own after-school diversions, and stay out from underfoot, which they not only manage to do quite well, but also seem the happier for it” will be “recognized and rewarded” with anything more than a form letter thanking her for her application and encouraging her to try again next year. In the meantime, read between the lines, she’d better wake up and smell the coffee. Doesn’t she realize, if “mothering” isn’t wearing one out, one must not be working hard enough at it?

Then there was the good-mothers-oversee-their-children’s-homework thing. I took to the airwaves that very day, using my nationally syndicated radio talk-show to ask, “Why is it that today’s mother is encouraged to do something - help with her children’s homework - that no previous generation of mothers felt the need to do, not to mention that it is completely, totally counterproductive in the first place?” I challenged any educator listening on the 10 stations that carry me live to please call and answer that question. For the next two days, I repeated the question, asking for an answer.

Finally, a teacher called to say that she agreed with me completely. There is no justification for expecting this of parents, she said, other than it sounds good. And yes, teachers are well aware that mothers so encouraged often end up doing their children’s homework for them. And yes, teachers are also well aware that the more responsible a mother becomes, the less responsible the child becomes. And yes, teachers also know that a child whose mother stands ready to help with homework is a child who doesn’t have to give his or her full attention to the teacher. And yes, teachers realize the whole idea is silly and counterproductive and not conducive to children learning by trial and error (the most effective form of learning there is), but they go ahead and send notes home encouraging parents to “take an active interest” in their children’s homework assignments by “supervising and discussing each assignment to make sure the child has learned the concepts” anyway, because, well, that’s part of the Emperor’s New Clothes of education, and everyone has to pretend it’s wonderful. Even though it’s not.

So, to balance M&M/Mars message to moms, I am introducing Rosemond’s Laid-Back Mom of the Year Award. Entrants must describe, in 250 words or less, how they manage to avoid getting caught up in the rat race of contemporary mothermania and raise enjoyable, independent children who do their own homework, entertain themselves, brush their own teeth, flush their own toilets and so on. Send your missives, moms, to Laid Back Mom, P.O. Box 4124, Gastonia, NC 28054.

The authors of the 10 most creative entries will receive an autographed copy of my desktop calendar. The Most Laid-Back Mom of All will receive an autographed copy of each of my six books. All entries must be received no later than Nov. 1 and winners will be announced shortly thereafter. Moms on Valium or Prozac are ineligible.

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