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Cher madness

ESPN had better give Steve Bono equal time. The all-sports network made another of its stretches for the sake of a story by getting singer(?)-turned-politician(?) Sonny Bono to comment on the recent success of the Kansas City quarterback - who, of course, is no relation.

Sonny said Steve was upholding the Bono name, and added something about Bonos being stretch runners - not coming out of the gate leading, but then all of a sudden pulling away from the competition.

“He’s an ‘I Got You Babe’ kind of a quarterback, I’ll tell you that,” said Sonny.

Bang-bang, we shot you down, bang-bang…

Cleaving the Beaver

It’s been a frustrating season for the Cal Bears, and squeaking past Oregon State 13-12 last Saturday didn’t help all that much. The close score seems to reflect how inspired the Bears were by the fire-up methods of offensive tackle Terik Glenn, who slugged Benny Beaver, the OSU mascot, before the game.

Glenn goes 6-foot-6, 330 pounds. Benny - actually Marri Hollen inside a furry costume - goes 5-9, 135.

Witnesses said the encounter happened as players headed to the locker room before the game. Hollen apparently agitated Glenn by bopping him on the shoulder with an inflatable plastic hammer.

Glenn then punched Hollen, sending her Benny head flying and propelling her against a concrete wall. “Don’t you ever do that again,” he barked.

Glenn declined to talk to reporters after the game.

“All I did was tap him - and he had shoulder pads,” Hollen said. “People don’t realize that there is a person inside of this costume.”

So what’s that inside the shoulder pads, lady? Chopped liver?

This ought to be worth a promotion

For the first time in five years, the winner of Sunday’s Marine Corps Marathon in Washington, D.C., was an American - and the runner he beat was an administrative clerk in the Mexican army.

The winner’s name: Darrell General.

King Rat

At the Florida Panthers’ home opener, forward Scott Mellanby took out a rat in the locker room and then went out and scored two goals. Teammate John Vanbiesbrouck called Mellanby’s feat a “rat trick.”

“There was a rat in our room,” Mellanby said. “He was running around and then he came right at me. I one-timed it - and I got all of him.”

Where the rat hit the wall, a player has marked the spot in black ink: “R.I.P., Rat No. 1, 10-8-95.”

“I apologize to all those animal-rights activists,” Mellanby said.

As it turns out, the rat is where it’s at. Whenever a Panthers player scores at Miami Arena, it is now in vogue for fans to throw rats on the ice. On one goal last week, 23 rats had to be retrieved.

Fret not, animal lovers. The fan-thrown rats are fake. Team management has been selling faux rodents for five bucks apiece at novelty stands.

The last word …

“Outlined against a blue, gray October sky, USC choked.”

- Michael Ventre, writing in the Los Angeles Daily News

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Photo